UCEM Announces Electropenogram

The Utopian College of Emergency for Medicine (UCEM) is pleased to announce the introduction of a new diagnostic tool – the Electropenogram (EPG).

Professor Throckmorton, our new Head of the Committee Of Continuing Knowledge, has spent the last 13 years investigating Wolkenkuckucksheim and ithyphallic activity occuring in Electrocardiographs.

After an exhausting 12 month statistical analysis by the backroom boffins, the retrospective review of 26 832 ED cardiac tracings has finally been completed. The results of this BACCHUS-II trial are open to interpretation, lack little scientific credibility and are on the whole inaccurate. However, in this world of eminence based medicine where the statistics never lie it is prudent to take note of the studies findings.

  • Resting Positive Electropenograms were recorded in 2.6% of the general population, 3.4% of inmates and 13% of administrators (p = 0.02; 95% confidence interval, 1-99%)
  • The maximum prevalence of Positive Electropenograms occurred on Friday and Saturday evenings (80%) with a staggerring 93% on Public Holidays.

As yet it is uncertain as to what a positive Electropenogram might mean for the patient but some of the LITFL team have their theories…

EPG positive

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  1. says

    An electropenogram should always be performed in conjunction with a PKG, or electroprostatogram. This is because findings such as those shown in the above tracing MAY be due to underlying p-fib (prostatic fibrillation) requiring emergent prostatoversion (using electrodes–one intrarectal and one on the perineum, or “taint”). Prolonged p-fib can lead to high output prostatic failure, or “wet” beri beri, a prostatic infarction (PI), or congestive prostatic failure. Serial PSAs 6 hours apart can determine the extent of the damage. With regards to interventions for acute PI, remember, time is prostate!