The Utopian College of Emergency for Medicine

Taking Medicine To The People

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Utopian College of Emergency for Medicine (UCEM)

With access to inpatient beds for acutely ill patients consistently decreasing over the last decade there is a critical and growing need for the emergency medicine team to deliver pre-emptive medicine to the community outwith the confines of the Emergency Department.

Utopian Medicine has evolved to meet this growing need and deliver time-sensitive interventions and life-saving emergncy care with the development of Waiting Room Medicine and Bus-Stop medicine through the School of Health and Information Technology.

It is the horizontal and vertical integration at a 4-dimensional level that will allow the development of the Utopian ideals to all health professionals involved in Emergency Care in the peri-departmental setting.

With this aim the The Utopian College of Emergency for Medicine was formed in November 2009 around tea-time. The pre-amble to the constitution has been concluded and the constitution and governance pertaining toUtopian training, education and the Fellowship has been completed.

The UCEM hereby calls for any persons interested in pre-emptive and peri-departmental medicine to review our constitutional discussions on our official website; sign up to become a fondling memeber and a MUPPET and to help put medicine back into the community.

Definition of Utopian Medicine

Utopian Medicine is a medical discipline devoted to the pre-emptive, pre-emotive and peri-departmental management of patients.

Utopian Medicine is founded on the knowledge and skills required for the prevention, diagnosis and management of acute and urgent aspects of illness and injury affecting patients of all age groups outwith the claustrophobic confines of the Emergency Department

Utopian Medicine relies on the patience of patients; the ambivalance of governments; the unswerving pig-headedness of institutions and the decay of systemic infrastructure to create the culture medium from which the Colleges principals have grown.

Intergalactic Federation of Emergency for Medicine 2009

Objectives

The UCEM is an educational institution whose prime objective is the training and examination of HealthCare Professionals within the Intergalactic Federation.

UCEM has a vital interest in the quality of emergency medical care provided in the peri-departmental setting as well as some policies and standards for the emergency medical system, teaching and research that have a direct impact on health outcomes for emergency patients.

Like most Colleges we take our lead from our Canadian Colleagues and directly transcribe and slightly edit their ethos without malice or predjudice albeit with a soupçon of attribution.

Access to inpatient beds for acutely ill patients in Utopia has been consistently decreasing over the last decade. Many Emergency Departments have been paralyzed by ‘admitted’ patients warehoused on stretchers in their hallways.

Emergency Medical Staff have little formal training in providing medical care outside of the usual confines of an actual bed with appropriate allied health and nursing staff available to provide care.

Most of the care provided in contemporary Emergency Departments is now provided in chairs; within earshot; on ambulance gurneys; behind temporary curtains or in broom closets, bathrooms, offices, and of course, in the waiting room.

This ever increasing demand for Waiting Room Medicine has led to the development of Utopian Medicine as an accepted Medical Discipline

CJEM Waiting Room Medicine Fellowship

Mission Statement

The Utopian College understands that the emergency medicine practiced by textbooks is a fantasy land where beds are always available, admitting specialty physicians are always helpful and patients actually have an identifiable disease.

Our mission is to further the acknowledgment that beds are in fact rare and precious things to be fought for tooth and nail; admitting specialists are begrudgingly helpful at best and patients are in fact a heterogenous melting pot of hard to identify complaints and ailments that rarely behave as they should (that is both the ailment and the patient).

It is our firm belief that that when this state of affairs is acknowledged freely and consistently a new paradigm of practice will arise. This exemplar will be so wonderful and perfect it will be like the TV…Grumpy alcoholic junkies with limps will be revered as geniuses of diagnosis. Bumbling asinine half wits will rise to glory whilst riding scooters. Any intern will be able to perform complex brain surgery, and not a single patient will ever die.

Finally and most importantly every member will be so unbelievably, achingly, gorgeously hot that no one will notice our utter incompetence and will spend their time enthralled with our torrid passionate unstable love lives.

Read more about Utopian Ideals and College Infrastructure

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