The Utopian College of Emergency for Medicine has years of experience in the use of TLA’s and obfuscating latinification. With this level of self-proclaimed expertise, UCEM has delegated a working group from the Department Advocating Medical Acronyms (DAMA) to assist the common people of the general public in comprehending medical phraseology

It is intended that this hardly comprehensive, nor accurate collection of acronyms, phrases and astute observations will assist those not of medically sound mind to gain a pseudo-scientific insight into the inner sanctum of the glorified hallows of medical parlance. [Sir Hubert]

As a disclaimer, UCEM would like to point out that this collection is neither definitive, nor an accurate representation of Utopian practices or practitioners. Any offence taken should be pointed squarely at the field of medicine and not the DAMA or the Utopian division for the Further Development of Acronyms (FDA)

There are currently over 700 terms in the dictionary. The Dictionary table has a search function which allows rapid interrogation of the dictionary database.

Further additions to the dictionary are welcomed in the comments section below and the definitive list will reside in the UCEM Dictionary Vault

Term/Acronym	Definition
10th Floor Transfer	Dying. The floor number is always the next number on from the highest floor in the hospital
3H enema	Enema that is "high, hot, and a hell of a lot." Reputedly given to patients who give staff a hard time.
3P's	Pill, Permissiveness and Promiscuity. Relates to female patients with sexually transmitted disease
404 moment	Not Found. The point in a doctor's ward round when medical records cannot be located. Comes from HTTP 404 error "Not Found".
45C	Patient is one chromosome short of a full set (thick)
4F	Fair, fat, female and forty OR fat, forty-ish, flatulent female (both mean abdominal pain patient who is candidate for gall bladder disease)
4H	Haemophiliac, Hispanic, Homosexual, Heroin addict (US)
5-H-I-T	Faeces. Polite medical term for sh!t
6PFP	6-pack and a fishing pole. Example: "this patient doesn't need chemo, he needs 6PFP." - Usually referring to an end-stage patient who should go die somewhere else.
AAA (or Triple A)	Ay Ay Ay. Precursor to Status Hispanicus. Wound-up Hispanic female unable to tolerate even the small discomfort of removing an adhesive plaster, but not yet full-blown histrionics.
AALFD	Another A**hole Looking For Drugs
Acades vulgaris	Medical students
ACDC	Medicolegally sound - Arse covered, doctor called
Acopic/Acopia	Unable to cope. Describes a patient with no acute medical problem, but significant social problems, who it is impossible to 'turf' out of the ED and requires admission (see Patients Without Discernible Pathology (PDWP))
Acronymophilia	Affliction characterized by excessive use of acronyms. Se also TLAitis
Acute Prozac Deficiency	Depression
Adminosphere	Administration Department. An area where hospital managers work, reckoned to be "another planet"
Adminostrivia	The flurry of pointless emails and paperwork that emanate from the adminosphere.
AGA	Acute Gravity Attack (fell over)
AGMI	Ain't Gonna Make It
Agnostication	Term used to describe the usually vain attempt to answer the question: "How long have I got, doc?" - see also Prognostication
AHF	Acute Hissy Fit
Air biscuit	A stool that •Ââoats
Airwolf	Air-ambulance After a popular US TV series
Albatross	Chronically ill patient who will remain with a doctor until one or other of them expire
ALFI	Australia's Largest F^cking Idiot
AMF YoYo	Adios my friend, you're on your own (MF can also stand for MoFo
Ampho-terrible	Amphotericin, the antifungal that often makes the patients sicker
Angel Lust	A death erection.
AOA	Adult onset anencephaly (to be without a brain)
Appy	Appendix. A person's appendix or a patient with appendicitis
APTFRAN	Apply Pillow To Face, Repeat As Necessary (for annoying patient)
Arsenic in antifreeze	Melarsoprol (IV sleeping sickness drug) is exactly this!
Ash cash	Assuming Room Temperature (dying)
Ash point	Where you collect your ash cash from
Ass Grapes	Badly thrombosed or strangulated haemorrhoids
Assmosis	Promotion by "kissing ass"
Assuming the Q Position	Deteriorating or dying with tongue hanging out
AST	Assuming Seasonal Temperature (dead)
Asynapsing neuritis	See also LOBNH
ATS	Acute Thespian Syndrome (the patient is a malingerer)
Aunt Minnie lesion	Once seen, never forgotten, like Aunt Minnie at the Fineberg wedding
AWTB/AWTF	Away With The Birds/Away With The Fairies; a patient who is totally confused
B-52	Combined 5mg of haloperidol IV + 2mg of midazolam IV
Baby Catcher	Obstetrician
Babygram	Entire body X-ray you often get when taking an X ray of a neonate
Bagged and Tagged (B&T)	Body ready for dispatch to morgue
Bagging	Manually helping a patient breathe using an Ambu bag attached to a mask that covers the face
Bagrinhos	Interns (Brazil) ("bullheads" - type of fish that gets in the way of real fishing)
Banana	Patient with jaundice
Basement admission	Will end up in hospital morgue (located in the hospital basement)
Bash cash	Payment received by registrars in the UK for completing medical reports on patients who have allegedly been assaulted
BBA	(baby) Born before arrival
BBCS	Bumps, Bruises, Cuts and Scrapes (i.e. no serious injuries)
BBL Sign (Belly-button Lint Sign)	Male, middle-aged, overweight and hairy (an umbilicus that looks like the lint [fluff] trap in a tumble dryer is most common in overweight, hairy, older men). Known as Belly-button Fluff in Britain.
Beached Whale	A patient who is unable to get out of bed
Benny	Patient on benefit (welfare payments)
Betty	Patient with diabetes
BFH	Big f!cking head. Usually hydrocephalus, often used to describe an FLK as in "Go examine the FLK with the BFH."
BFH	Brat From Hell (usually accompanied by PFH - Parent(s) from Hell)
Bilateral Samsonite Syndrome	Patient admitted with both their bags packed in preparation
BIT	Burp in transit (gas seen in the stomach on an abdominal film)
Black cloud	Doctor who attracts difficult or prolonged cases or an unusually high number of code blues calls
Blade	Surgeon: dashing, bold, arrogant and often wrong, but never in doubt
Blamestorming	Apportionment of blame after the wrong leg or kidney is removed or some other particularly egregious foul-up
Bleep dream	Waking in the belief that the bleep has gone off
Blinky the Fish	Radiologist (The 3-eyed, mutant goldfish from The Simpsons is the mascot of many radiology depts).
Blood Sucker	Practitioners who take blood samples, such as laboratory technicians and Phlebotomists - see also Leeches, Vampires
Blood-Brain Barrier	Surgical drapes
Blown Mind	Gunshot wound (GSW) to the head.
Blue Bloater	Patient with chronic bronchitis
Blue Pipe	Vein (as opposed to 'red pipe' or artery)
BMT	Bowel-Movement Taco (faecal matter trapped in female genitalia)
BMW	Bitch Moan & Whine
Bobbing for apples	Manual disimpaction. Unblocking a badly constipated patient with one's finger
BOHICA	Bend Over, Here It Comes Again
Bonehead	Orthopedic Surgeon
Boogie or Goober	Tumour. A Roasted Goober is a tumour after intensive cobalt treatment; a Healthy Goober is a dead tumour patient.
Bordeaux	Bloodstained urine (macroscopic hematuria)
Bottle return	Removing a bottle lodged in the anal canal
Bounce	The art of skillfully avoiding admitting a patient by finding a symptom which allows referral to another Speciality - alternative to TURF
Bounceback	Patient who returns to the emergency department with the same complaints shortly after being released
Brain Fry	Electroconvulsive Therapy (ECT) for depression
Bronze John's Law	(paediatrics) If the weight of the records exceeds the weight of the child, the prognosis is grim
Brothel Sprouts	Genital warts
Brothelizer test	Microbiology test (on swab or sample) requested by the Genito-Urinary Clinic or STD clinic to check for sexually transmitted diseases. A positive test result means the patient has "failed the brothelizer test".
Brown trout	A stool that won't float, as opposed to an 'air biscuit' which does.
Buff	To be sure all details regarding a patient's care are attended to so that discharge or transfer to another service or facility will proceed smoothly and no excuses or objections can be raised to prevent the discharge or transfer. For example "Be sure to buff the guy in 702 before we send him to the nursing home." It can also mean that you make up lab and other results, even if you haven't done them, to make yourself look good on rounds.
Bungee jumper	A patient who pulls on his catheter tube
Bunny Boiler	(Psych) dangerously obsessive or unbalance woman (based on film "Fatal Attraction")
Burger	Sunburned patient with ruptured blisters
Bury the Hatchet	Accidentally leaving a surgical instrument inside a patient
BVA	Breathing Valuable Air
BWCO	Baby Won't Come Out (needs Caesarian)
C/C	"Cancel Christmas" (dead)
C&T Ward	Coma ward - "cabbages and turnips/ tomatoes"
Cabbage	Heart bypass i.e. CABG (Coronary Artery Bypass Graft)
Calcified Penisitis Morbidium	Male patient whose ailment is due to excessive or unprotected sex
Call Button Jockey/Buzzer Junkie	patient that uses call button all night long for no good reason.
Callbellectomy	minor operation, sadly not permitted, to remove over-used call bell from patient's hand/reach!
Captain Kangaroo	Head of a paediatrics department
Cast Iron Bum/Butt Syndrome	When the needle goes into the buttocks straight, but comes out curved
Category 6 Patient	Triage is Cat 1 (major) to Cat 5 (minor) so Cat 6 means a timewaster
CC and BCC	Complaint Corner, a patient that complains about everything; BCC is one that behaves nicely to medical staff and complains behind their backs (from business acronyms for carbon copy and blind carbon copy)
Celestial discharge	Death
Ceph-du-jour	The latest cephalosporin that everyone is using to treat infections.
Champagne tap	A bloodless sample from a lumbar puncture. Traditionally awarded a bottle of champagne by the supervising consultant.
Chandelier sign	Used to describe a patient who experiences extreme pain during a physical exam and thus "jumps up to the chandelier." Classically used to describe cervical motion tenderness from a pelvic inflammation.
CHAOS	Chronic Hurts All Over Syndrome (PTSD/Fibromyalgia, etc.)
Chart Biopsy	Check chart for other depts' plans on the patient
Chart Dehiscence	Drop patient chart and everything falls out.
Chartomegaly	Patient attends so frequently s/he has a large (and growing) chart
Cheese and Onion	The Oxford Handbook of Clinical Medicine, because of its green and yellow cover. Also known as the 'Bible'
Chocolate Hostage	Constipated
Choly / Chole	Patient with cholecystitis (inflammation of the gallbladder) or cholecystectomy patient.
Chrome Induced Ischaemia	Patient that develops inexplicable chest pains when arrested and handcuffed
Chronic Burger/Biscuit Toxicity	Obesity
Chronic Slapping Deficiency	Annoying/unruly family members hitting nurse's call button every 5 minutes with minor requests/inane questions or for fun
CKS	Cute kid syndrome
Clip and Strip	Remove staples and adhesive sutures
CLL	Chronic low life
CLM	Career limiting move
CNS-QNS	Central Nervous System - Quantity Not Sufficient
Cockroach Factor	A patient's ability to survive trauma or serious treatment is inversely proportional to his contribution to society (see TTI).
Code 0	(Ambulance) Time-waster/tax-waster (genuine codes are Code 1 [non-serious] to Code 4 [emergency])
Code Azure	Message to other medics to do nothing extraordinary to save a very ill patient who will die shortly no matter what is done
Code Brown	a faecal incontinence emergency. Often used by nurses and medical technicians requesting help cleaning up an unexpected bowel movement.
Code Brown	In Australia, the code used for a coffee break.
Code Surfer	Medic straddling the patient on trolly (gurney) performing chest compressions while patient is being transported
Code Yellow	A patient who has lost control of his or her bladder
Coffee and a Newspaper	Patient is Constipated (i.e. long time sitting on toilet with drink and reading matter)
Coffin dodger	Descriptive of a (usually elderly) patient who persists in staying alive despite all natures attempts to the contrary
Cold tea sign	When positive, refers to the several cups of cold tea on the bedside cabinet beside an elderly patient whom has recently "passed on"
COPD	Chronic Old Persons Disease (unwell, no specific cause)
COSMONAUT	Cat Owner, Smells, Made Of Nuts And Used Tampons ("mad cat lady" with poor hygiene and body odour)
Crackerjack referral
CRAFT	Can't Remember A F@$king Thing
Cranial rectosis	US: butthead (US term for idiot); UK: head-up-ass (arrogant/arrogant fool)
Cranial-Rectal Insertion or Cranial-Rectal Inversion	Head-up-ass syndrome
Cranio-faecal Syndrome	S**t for brains
CRAP Score	Cynical Real Alternative Pain Score - an alternative method of scoring pain
Creepers	Geriatrics using walkers and wheelchairs
Crispy critter	Severe burns victim
CROACC	Cannot Rule Out Anything, Correlate Clinically (Radiology)
Crop Rotation	Ambulance shuttle service from nursing home to surgery and back again
Crumbly	Derogatory term for an elderly patient
Crump	When a patient tries to die on the medical practitioner. Usage: "My patient tried to crump on me repeatedly throughout the night"
CTD	"Circling The Drain" or "Certain To Die"
Cut and Paste	To open a patient, discover that there is no hope, and immediately sew him up (or almost immediately - sometimes young surgeons practice surgical techniques for a while).
CYA	Cover your arse
CYA	Cover Your Ass; unnecessary procedure/prescription done to avoid being sued
D&D	Death & Donuts. Mortality and morbidity conferences where doctors and other health-care professionals discuss mistakes and patient deaths (sometimes also called Morbidity and Mortality Meeting (M &M))
D&D	Divorced and Desperate (middle aged female who visits doctor weekly just for male attention)
D&D	Death and Donuts (night shift)
Dagenham	"Three Stops Beyond Barking": severely disturbed/mad (based on British train station names)
Dance	The process of tying a surgical gown behind the proceduralist's back; involves a 180-degree spin. "Shall we dance?"
Dandruff on wheels	Scabies or other transmissible flaky skin condition
DBI	Dirt Bag Index. Multiply the number of tattoos by the number of missing teeth to give an estimate of the number of days since the patient last bathed.
Dementors	Staff on the geriatric ward
DENTIST	Doesn't Even Need Treatment - It's Sorted, Truly
Departure lounge	Geriatric ward
Dermaholiday	Dermatology, considered to be a less-busy department. See rheumaholiday
DFKDFC	Don't f@$king know, don't f@$king care. A diagnosis often applied to a surgery's most regular visitors. Most often treated with a low-dosage course of Amoxycillin.
DFO	Done Fell Out. Died. DFO is used when the death is not witnessed. "Carol Kirby DFOd before we got here." Also refers to syncope (fainting) in the Southern US.
DIC	Death Is Coming, Death In Cage - also an acronym for Disseminated intravascular coagulation
DIFFC	Ropped In For Friendly Chat (i.e. no medical problem)
Digging for Worms	Varicose vein surgery
DILF	Doctor I'd Like to F*** (Fornicate with): Nursing slang for good-looking doctor
Disappearing Penis Syndrome	The usual reaction of the male organ in response to insertion of catheter or endoscope; also experienced by the newly obese
Discharged downstairs	Transferred to the morgue
Disco biscuits	Refers to the nightclub drug ecstasy. Usage: "The man in cubicle three looks like he's taken one too many disco biscuit".
DMFNFL	Dumb mother f@$ker, not fit to live
DNA	Deoxyribonucleic acid or, more usually, did not attend
DOA	Dead on arrival
Doc in a Box	A small health-care center, usually with high staff turnover
Doc till you drop	Reference to the previous onerous hours worked by house officers
Donorcycle	American nursing slang for a motorcycle, so named due to the amount of head trauma associated with motorcycle accidents, but less so with the body, making the perfect candidate for organ donation (noting the lack of helmet laws in some American states)
Donut of death	CT scanner
Doorknob Rounds	The entire presentation takes place in 5 seconds while the consultant's hand never leaves the doorknob to the entrance of the patient's room (US hospitals have small single occupancy rooms)
DOTS	Dead on the spot (following an accident)
Double bind trial	Two orthopods looking at an electrocardiogram
DPP	Leave patient for the next shift to deal with ("Deixa para o PrÌ_ximo PlantÌ£o") - Brazil
Dr Feelgood	A doctor who is indiscriminate about prescribing drugs
Drinkectomy	Separating a drunk from his can of lager (performed in A&E dept)
Drooler	Catatonic patient.
Droopy Penis Syndrome	A patient wanting Viagra prescription
DRT	Dead Right There
DRTTTT	Dead Right There, There, There and There (patient dead and in multiple parts at scene of accident)
DSB	Drug-Seeking Behaviour (faking illness to fuel narcotic addiction)
DTS	Danger To Shipping (in a particularly large patient's records)
DUB	Damn Ugly Baby
Duck	Portable urinal for bedridden male hospital patients
Dude Factor	Survival scoring factor based on social worth. A high dude factor = an individual of questionable social worth who survives near-fatal injuries. A low dude factor = professional person who slips in the bathroom sustaining a fatal injury
Dump	Arranging for a patient who should probably be admitted to your service to be admitted to another service or another facility. Also used as a noun, for example "This guy was a total dump from the private hospital."
DWPA	Death/Dying With Paramedic Assistance
EDDU	eating drinking defecating urinating (but not much else)
EDGATWTTTF	Elevator Doesn't Go All The Way To The Top Floor (thick)
EFT	Eleventh Floor Transfer - in a 10 floor hospital; refers to patient who is very close to death
Ego Boost Units	Med students/junior doctors that follow a doctor
Eiffel Syndrome	(From I-fell on it) patient with a foreign object in the rectum
Electric lights	Urea and electrolytes pro•Âle
ELFs	Evil Little F@$kers (irritating children)
Embromed	(Brazil) imaginary health plan: postponement of solution through hoax.
EMS	Earn Money Sleeping (joke at expense of Emergency Medical Service)
EMT	Extraordinary Masochistic Tendencies (joke at expense of Emergency Medical Technicians)
Engessar	(Brazil) to orient treatment so that the patient can't complain (literally "to place in a cast").
Epidemaholiday	Epidemiology, similar to dermaholiday
ERCP	Emergency retrograde clerking of patient, an emergency procedure before consultant rounds
ERNOBW	Engine Running, No One Behind the Wheel (thick)
ESBAM	Eat s**t and Bark At the Moon (or "not bloodly likely" in British English)
EstropÌ_cio	(Brazil) poor, unkempt obstetric patient ("jeopardy").
Eternal care	Intensive care or mortuary
ETOH	Extremely Trashed or Hammered (2 derivations given: corruption of "Etho" [ethanol addict] or from "EtOH" [chemistry abbreviation for ethanol])
Ex Arbor	Someone who is out of their mind; literally, Latin for "out of (their) tree"
Expensive scare	Intensive care
F.BUNDY	Refers to slowly dying patient who is Fucked, But Unfortunately Not Dead Yet. (See also TF.BUNDY)
Faecal Encephalopathy	Sh*t for brains
Fallaciopisces rufus	Red herring
Family Care Plan	One child gets the sniffles, whole family gets a trip to A&E
Fascinectomy	Long, but fascinating procedure
Fascinoma	An interesting medical rarity
Fatal medicine	Coined by Neonatal ICU, for Fetal Medicine, because of high incidence of poor prognosis neonates
Father Jack	The confused, usually elderly patient whose constant high pitched verbal ejaculation and attempts to get out of bed are responsible for insomnia on wards. (From a character in the television series Father Ted, who would sit in the corner of a room shouting Drink, Feck, Arse, etc.)
FCBP	Fellow of the College of Bystander Physicians i.e. doctor having a look-see
FDSTW	Found Dead Stayed That Way
Feather Count	Measure of flakiness (e.g. high feather count)
Feed and Seed	Care for vegetative patients in "the garden"
Feet up general	A quiet district hospital
FFDID	Found face down in ditch
FFDIG	Found face down in gutter
FHHS	Female Hispanic Hysterical Syndrome (screaming and crying)
FICOW	A fecalith in the circle of Willis - having feces in the central communicating circulation of the brain
FIDO	F@$k It, Drive On (a waste of time/hoax ambulance all)
Fighting Darwin	Patients refusing essential treatment through stubborness or stupidity
File 13	The Trashcan
Finger Wave	Rectal exam
FIRT	Failed impact resistance test - crash victim
Fish Filet	vaginal infection with discharge and odour
Fish Filet with Ketchup	vaginal infection with discharge, odour and bleeding (e.g. post-natal)
FITH disease	F@$ked in the head
FLBs	"Funky Looking Beats" found on an EKG that no one can figure out; or funny little bumps (unexplained skin lesions)
FLK	Funny Looking Kid. Term used for a child, usually newborn, whose appearance, while superficially normal, suggests investigation for congenital and genetic anomalies. "Funny" in this sense means "weird", not "comical".
FLKOFS	Funny Looking Kid, Okay For Sunderland (one of many regional variants of NFN [Normal For Norfolk])
Flower sign	Fresh •Ââowers (or grapes, for the grape sign) at the bedside imply
Fluttering Eye Syndrome	Patient faking unconsciousness
FMPS	Fluff My Pillow Syndrome (attention/sympathy seeker), like Call Button Jockey
FOALS NEIGH	F@$k Off And Let Someone Not Extremely Incompetent Get Here
FOB	Found on Bench
FODE	Falling On Deaf Ears
FOL,GOL,FOS	Fat Old Lady, Gone off Legs, Full Of Sh!t. An old term used to describe a confused elderly lady unable to exercise at home, now unable to move on her own and badly constipated as a result... causing Toxic Confusional State. Reversible within 10 days with regular bowel care, rehydration, good diet and physiotherapy.
Fonzie	A middle grade doctor seemingly unflappable in any medical emergency. Based on the character Arthur 'Fonzie' Fonzarelli from the American sitcom Happy Days. The allusion is to a conversation in the final scene of the Quentin Tarantino film Pulp Fiction: Yolanda: You don't hurt him! - Jules: Nobody's gonna hurt anybody. We're gonna be like three little Fonzies here. And whatªs Fonzie like? Come on, Yolanda! What's Fonzie like? - Yolanda: Cool? - Jules: What? - Yolanda: He's cool. - Jules: Correctamundo! And that's what we're gonna be. We're gonna be cool.
FOOBA	found on ortho barely alive
FOOSF	Fall onto outstretched Face - usually in a drunk patient
FOOSH	Fall onto outstretched Hand
FOOT	Flat Out On Tarmac (e.g. biker gone down in full flight)
FORD	Found On Road Dead
Foreverectomy	A surgical procedure that lasts a very long time
FOS	Full of sh!t. A diagnosis given to a patient that is likely not telling the truth or, alternatively, has a bowel obstruction
Frequent Flyer	Someone who is transported to and from hospital on a routine basis (also someone who spends more time at the local hospital then most employees and is known by all staff members including Environmental Services). Also. Patient who calls ambulance multiple times usually when they could seek help in better ways.
Freud Squad	Psychiatry department
Friday construction	Like the cars, put together badly when the workers minds were on the weekend
Fruit Salad	group of stroke patients, all unable to take care of themselves
FTD	Fixin' to Die
FTF	Failure to •Âây or failure to •Ââoat, for attempted suicide victims (jumping FTF Failure to •Âây or failure to •Ââoat, for attempted suicide victims (jumping
FUBAR	Fucked Up Beyond All Recognition
FUBAR	F@$ked up beyond all repair
FUBIL	F@$k You Buddy, I'm Leaving. . The act of a doctor at a small hospital dumping a critically ill patient on larger hospital on Friday afternoon before he leaves for the weekend
Full McGill TJ	Haloperidol 10mg, lorazepam 2mg given through jeans (TJ)
Full Moon	Full or overcrowded waiting room/A&E/ER
FURB	Funny, Unusual, Rectal Blockage (people who use inappropriate objects as butt-plugs)
Galloping amputations	Gangrene spreading up a limb so more and more has to be removed in consecutive surgeries
Garden	Neurosurgical intensive care ward, so called because of the "vegetables" found there.
Gardening	Attending to patients in neurological intensive care.
Gas Passer	Anesthesiologist (see also Gasser, Gas Man or Gaswallah)
GDA	Gonna die anyway
Genital hurties	Genital herpes
Gerbilophilia	Suffered by patients who present with rodents per rectum
Gerifix	A combination of broad spectrum antibiotics, thiazide diuretics, and nebulised bronchodilators (with or without corticosteroids) prescribed to elderly patients admitted to UK hospitals between October and March.
GGF	Grandpa's (-ma's) got a fever. Shorthand for an elderly person presenting with pyrexia of unknown origin
Ghost	Derogatory term for med students; they are largely invisible, are absent during difficult situations, silent when asked for volunteers and stealthily evade hard work
GLF	Ground level fall i.e. a fall from standing, not a fall from a height.
GLM	Good looking mum
Glove up & dig in	Severe constipation, requiring manual evacuation
Gluteo-cubital agnosis	Doesn't know his arse from his elbow; clueless or stupid
Go to Ground	All out of bed or chair
Go to Meet Joe Black/Consult Joe Black	Die
GOA	Gone On Arrival (police turn up, ambulance turns up, fire brigade turns up, patient doesn't)
Goat Rodeo/Goat Rope	Emergency scene which goes badly (resembles a bunch of people riding or wrestling goats)
God's Waiting Room	Intensive care unit and/or geriatric unit
GOK	God only knows
Goldbrick	Patient who demands more attention than their (minor) condition warrants.
Golden ass	Affluent mother who treats the obstetrics nurses like servants
Golden Child	Jaundiced youngster
Gold•Âsh stool	As in 'as rare as‰Û_‰Û (see also Rocking Horse stool)
GOLP	Generalised Old Lady Pains
GOMER	"Get out of my emergency room" - a patient, usually poor or elderly, in the emergency room with a chronic, non-emergency condition. The name was popularized by Samuel Shem in his novel The House of God. A heartsink patient.
Gomergram	Ordering all available tests because the person is unable to explain what is wrong with them
Gone Camping	Patient in oxygen tent
Gorillacillin	A very powerful antibiotic.
Gorked	Unresponsive and nonverbal, either due to sedation or medical condition.
GOS	God's own spot (reference to tertiary/teaching hospitals)
Gown's Sign, positive	A patient who leaves (self-discharge ) without official discharge orders
GPO	Good for Parts Only
GRAFOB/ GRAHOB	Grim Reaper At Foot/ Head Of Bed
Granny dumping	Granny dumping Practice of bringing elderly patients to emergency departments for admission, usually before public holidays
Granny Farm	Old persons' residential home, run by a Granny Farmer
Grape sign	Like flower sign, grapes at the bedside imply the patient has a supportive family
Gravity Assisted Concrete Poisoning	Jumped/fell from height
Gridiron Belly	Scarred from multiple ops
GROLIES	Guardian Reader Of Low Intelligence in Ethnic Skirt
GUCCI	Genito-Urinary Clinc, Chlamydial Infection. Posh female with sexually transmitted chlamydial infection
Guessing tubes	Stethoscope
Guts and Butts	General surgery
HAIRY PSALMS	Haven't any idea regarding your patient send a lot more serum
Hallucinoma	Used when you though you saw something that wasn't really there. For instance "The mass on the MRI turned out to be a hallucinoma."
HALS	Hit And Left Standing. Apparently uninjured but in shock after RTA/MVA
Hamster sign	Swollen cheeks as seen with steroids, but also as a result of swelling postjugular line insertion
Handbag positive	Confused patient (usually elderly lady) lying on hospital bed clutching handbag - See also "Teddy-bear positive (psych patient) and sunglass positive (psych patient)
Happy feet	(US) patient having a grand mal epileptic seizure (in UK, Happy feet means smelly feet (feet which "hum" [stink])
Happy Little Campers	Children in oxygen tents
Hasselhoff	A term for any patient who shows up in the emergency room with an injury for which there is a bizarre explanation. Original Source: Baywatch actor David Hasselhoff, who hit his head on a chandelier while shaving. The broken glass severed four tendons and an artery in his right arm.
Hat Trick	Trauma patient with 3 tubes into him
Head bonk	Describing an otherwise uninjured patient who was struck on the head but came to the ER just to be sure. Best confirmed by asking such patients to demonstrate the severity of impact by getting them to bang their heads on the nearest wall.
Heart sink	Frequently attending patients for whom the physician has little to offer
Hearts and Farts	Unit specialising in geriatrics and cardiology
Heel Elevation Ataxia	A woman who appears staggering drunk, but is sober (or slightly tipsy) and can't walk on seriously high stiletto heels
Hens teeth	As in "as rare as..."
Hepatology Conference	Doctors meeting at a pub or bar (no late appointments, I'm going to a hepatology conference)
Hey Docs (or Haydock)	Alcoholics handcuffed to wheelchairs in big-city medical wards who chorus "Hey, Doc! when they see a white coat" (sometimes disguised as "Haydock" which is a UK placename)
Hi 5	HIV positive ("V" being Roman for 5)
HIBGIA	Had it before, got it again
High Serum Porcelain Level	Patient is a crock of sh*t
High Slug Titre	Lazy patient (slug) that won't get out of bed
High Speed Lead Injection	Gunshot
Hippo	Hypochondriac
Hit and Run	The act of operating quickly so as not to be late for another engagement (often a non-medical appointment).
HIVI	Husband Is Village Idiot
HMF	Hysterical Mother Figure
HMO	From phrase, "Hey, Moe!", a concept pioneered by Dr Moe Howard, who discovered that a patient could be made to forget about the pain in his foot if he was poked hard enough elsewhere. Modern "pokes" with same outcome include estimates for private treatment.
Hobgoblin	Hemoglobin
Hole-in-One	A gunshot wound through the mouth or rectum.
Hollywood code	see Slow Code
Hope'n'Scope	Exploratory laparoscopy where you hope to find no disease (unless you're the student, in which case you hope to see something interesting)
HOPEFUL	Hard-up Old Person Expecting Full Useful Life (i.e. OAPs are not priority for most hospitals)
Horrendoma	An awful unknown disease
Horrendoplasty	A very difficult operation
Horrendoplasty	A god-awful surgery with a probable poor outcome e.g. difficult operation for 12 hours on a patient with a BMI of 45
Hospital Hobo Syndrome	Person who visits multiple hospitals seeking attention or accommodation
Hospital pilantrÌ_pico	(Brazil) dubiously charitable hospital where profits outweigh philanthropy.
Hospitalismo	(Brazil) Revolving-door patient (in-and-out-and-in ....).
House red	Blood
HP	Hispanic Panic, used to describe a Hispanic patient who believes their condition is worse than it actually is. This is generally a result of the perceived over-dramatic and theatrical nature of many Hispanic cultures.
Humpty-dumpty doctor	A physiotherapist or rehabilitation doctor (from the nursery rhyme verse "all the king's horses and all the king's men could not put humpty together again")
Hypoxanaxemia	Patient with anxiety symptoms (Xanax deficiency)
Icing on the Cake	Lethal tumor discovered in the X-rays of a heart attack victim.
Imaginascope	What you use during radiology rounds to see the lesion the clinician is showing you but you don't see
Improving His Claim	Victim of minor accident, needs no treatment but wants something to support his insurance/legal claim.
Inbreds	Physician whose parents are physicians
Incarcaphobia	Patient is hypochondriac prisoner who prefers hospital to jail cell
Incarceritis	Becoming dubiously ill when arrested or in court
Incidentaloma	Something found on a scan that requires action, even though it was not what the discoverer was looking for in the first place. "I found an incidentaloma in the adrenal gland". Likely to be benign in nature, but full of liability risks.
Infernal Medicine	Internal Medicine department
Insurance Pain	Neck pain secondary to a minor car bump
Interesting Case	A patient transferred from a non-specialist hospital who is an unmitigated disaster with no accompanying chart or documentation
International House of Pancakes	Neurology ward full of patients (usually stroke victims) all babbling in a different language.
Intubate Junior/Intubate Willy	Catheterise a man (often results in DPS - Disappearing Penis Syndrome)
ISQ	In status quo
It's like...	The opening words of every medical or nursing student sentence. Has no meaning, just ignore
IWB	Intercourse With Biscuits (F**king Crackers)
J. P. Frog	Just plain fu@$ing ran out of gas
Jack Bauer	A doctor still up and working after 24 hours on the job ‰ÛÓ now something of a rarity but well recognised by older clinicians. Usually a bit tetchy: Colleague: Going for lunch, Jack? JB: (shouts) THERE ISN'T TIME! (from the main character in 24)
JAFFA	Just Another Fat, F***ing Administrator
Jailitis	Becoming dubiously ill while in custody or in a jail cell
Janitor's fracture	a fracture so obvious that a janitor (cleaner) could diagnose it
JAR or JAR Syndrome	Just Ain't Right - often used when a patient has multiple issues
JDLR	Just Doesn't Look Right - something is wrong, but no diagnosis has been made yet
JFDI	Just F@#king Do It - an order from stressed registrar/resident to argumentative know-it-all junior medical staff who are complaining and seriously underperforming during busiest on-call night from hell
JFO	Just fell out - used in the present tense when a person dies. "Carol Kirby JFOd. We saw the whole thing!"
JLD	Just like dad. Commonly used as the etiology for an FLK
Journal of Anecdotal Medicine	Source quoted for less than evidence-based medical facts
Kaiser Soze	Registrar with an uncanny ability to disappear (not answer phone or pager) when there is work to be done (from movie 'The Usual Suspects')
Kidney stone squirm	Spot diagnosis in A&E (see also PID shuf•Ââe)
Killing Fields	That ward in every hospital where patients go to die
Knife and Gun Club	local street gangs and other criminal organizations, for example "We have a very active knife and gun club, so the trauma experience is outstanding."
Knife-happy	an overly enthusiastic surgeon
Lancelot	a medic who drains abscesses (called Pokemon in the USA)
Lantern Test	shine a torch in the subject's mouth and the eyes light up (no brain)
Larry	Locum as in "doing a larry"
Last flea to jump off a dead dog	Oncologists who never seem to be able to let people die with dignity.
Leeches	Health professionals who take blood samples, e.g. phlebotomists
Lerner/Bernstein Fracture	The injury suffered by a patient who is intent on suing someone over his trip or fall (Lerner/Bernstein are ambulance-chasing lawyers in one region).
LFTWM	Looking for 3 Wise Men - applied to young pregnant females who deny having had intercourse
LGFD	Looks good from door...but not closely examined (end of the bed examination)
Lipstick Sign	If a female patient is well enough to put on, she is well enough to be discharged
Liver rounds	Staff party, so called because of liver-damaging alcohol
Load the Boat	Call in senior medical staff as ass-covering exercise
LOBNH	Lights On But Nobody Home
LOL	Little old lady
LOL in NAD	Little old lady in no apparent distress
Long grasser	Homeless person in the Northern Territory of Australia
Loop-the-loop	Flamboyant surgical rearrangement of the intestines.
Loose Change	dangling limb in need of amputation.
Low voltage	a patient demonstrably lacking in intelligence
LPT	Low pain threshold
LRO	Luck Ran Out (cheated death before, but not this time)
lytes	Electrolytes
M & M	Mortality and morbidity conferences where doctors and other health-care professionals discuss mistakes and patient deaths (sometimes also called Death & Donuts)
MacTilt	The lateral movement of the head to an angle of 45å¡ to the vertical by a palliative care nurse specialist. It is intended to convey sympathy and understanding. (Mac from Macmillan nurse specialist palliative care nurse and tilt.)
MAFAT (May-fat)	Mandatory Anasthaesia F^$k Around Time, precedes any incision
Map of Antarctica	(NZ) appearance of fatal spontaneous brain haemorrhage on CT scan
Marriageable Monster	Young female patient who has successfully undergone major plastic surgery.
Matern-a-taxi	When a pregnant woman calls an ambulance because the contractions are every 2 minutes, but she doesn't have a single contraction during a 30 minute journey to hospital
MCBP	Member of the College of Bystander Physicians - doctor having a look-see
Meat hooks	Surgical instruments.
Metabolic clinic	The coffee or tea room
Meth Mouth	Common symptom in methamphetamine addicted patients
MFB, CFD	Measure For Box, Call For Dirt (severely ill [or dead or nearly so])
Michelin's Disease/Disorder	Multiple spare tyres (obese)
MICO	Masterly inactivity and catlike observation
MICOS	Masterly inactivity, catlike observation, and steroids
Microdeckia	Micro = small, deck = deck of cards; patient playing with less that a full deck (low IQ)
MIDI	Myocardial infarction during intercourse (heart attack during sex)
Milk Of Amnesia	Propofol, an anesthetic drug with a milky white color (and a reference to the term milk of magnesia)
MiniMe	A trainee or medical student who emulates their senior colleague a little too much but doesn't say a lot. Can be very annoying. (From the character in the Austin Powers films.)
Mobile Drip Stands	Fire Dept (often found at emergencies alongside paramedics)
MooMoo-Mover	The big blue sheet used for moving obese patients
Mother's Milk	Propofol; a reference to its milky appearance and pain-relieving use
MTF	Metabolize to Freedom (i.e., let the person sober up, and then they can leave)
MU Pain	Made Up pain (especially for sick notes and insurance claims)
Mulambo	(Brazil) poor patients in public outpatient clinics (literally rag + beggar)
Mushroom syndrome	Suffered by housemen who are kept in the dark and shoveled with manure periodically
MVA Special	CT scan of head, neck, chest, abdomen and pelvis (on car crash patient)
MVA Special With Gravy	(aka MVA Full Meal Deal) - MVA Special plus face
N=1 trial	Polite term for experimenting on a patient
NAD	No Abnormality Detected or Not Actually Done
NAI	Non Accidental Injury - when patient is suspected of having been assaulted but hasn't said so. Often used as code for suspected child abuse.
NBI	No Bony Injury or No Bloody Idea
Nebulopathy	Strange clinical signs with no "normal" disease apparent
Nectar of the Gods	Coffee; without which many hospital services would shut down
Negative Wallet Biopsy	(US) patient transferred to cheaper hospital because s/he has no insurance/funds
Neuroslavery	Derogatory term for Neurosurgery based on the extreme long hours compared to orthopaedic surgery
Neurosurgical height	Slightly higher than orthopedic height (see also bounce, and turf)
NFF	Normal Fae Fife (Scottish version of NFN below)
NFN	Normal For Norfolk (originating from Norfolk and Norwich Hospital. A badly structured hospital where doctors of low calibre end up)
NFP	Normal for Portsmouth - repeat abortion, said to be particularly rife in Portsmouth, UK (a sailing port)
NFR	Normal for Rockingham (insert any additional local towns with high suspicion of inbreeding...). Traditional use of the TLA defines "Not For Resuscitation"
NKDA	Not known, didn't ask (As opposed to Nil Known Drug Allergies)
No Hopeamine	Dopamine
Noctor	Nurse that has done a 6 week training course and acts like s/he's a Doctor
NPS	New Parent Syndrome
NQR	Not Quite Right
NSA	Non-Standard Appearance (what a FLK grows into)
O-sign	A patient is "giving the O-sign" when very sick and lying with mouth open. This is followed by the Q-sign - when the tongue hangs out of the mouth - when the patient becomes terminal. If a fly lands on the tongue, the paitent is Q-dot sign positive anf has a very grave prognosis.
OBE	Open Both Ends (known in UK as D&V - Diarrhoea and Vomiting)
OBECALP	Placebo (the rationale being that patients don't realise it's "placebo" in reverse)
OBS	Obvious bullsh*t
Obs & gobs	Obstetrics and gynecology
Off legs	UK standard diagnosis in LOL (see above) for whom the art of defying gravity involving the lower limbs has failed. Usually not associated with any remedial problem
OFIGATOOS	One Foot In the Grave And The Other One Slipping
Ohno-second	The moment when you realize something has gone horribly
Old man's friend	Pneumonia (predominantly an American term)
Oligoneuronal	A patient who is thick (not smart).
Ooh-Aahs	Those who gather to gawk at an emergency and go "Oooh, Aaah"
Optorectomy	Operation to disconnect the eyeball from the anus, due to such a sh*tty outlook on life
Organ recital	A hypochondriac's medical history
Orthopedic height	Slightly lower than neurosurgical height (see also bounce, and turf)
Orthopod	Orthopaedic doctor
Osteocephaly	Boneheaded
Ostrich treatment	By pretending it's not there, one hopes it will go away
OTLP	On the launch pad (to be discharged to home)
Overpriced Carpenter	Orthopaedic doctor
P4P	Penicillin for a penile discharge (back when it was the treatment of choice)
Pakistani Healing Dance	A useless procedure performed for benefit of patient and family
Pan investigram	Shorthand for a raft of investigations
Pan Scan	Whole body scan (e.g. after car crash)
Panmetabolopathy	A state wherein many (or all) metabolic parameters are out of bounds (usually associated with "Rule of Five" (see below))
Paperweight	(NZ) very small patient with severe congenital mental retardation
Papoterapia	(Brazil) to give the patient a pep talk, chitchat therapy ("papo" = chitchat).
Parentectomy or parent transplant	Removing parents as an effective cure to a child's problems
Pathology outpatients	Mortuary
Pathology Outpatients	Mortuary (UK)
PBABLTO	Pine Box at Bedside, Leave Top Off
PBBB	Pine box by bedside. Refers to a patient expected to die shortly
PBOO	Pine Box On Order
PDE	Pissed, denies everything
Pecker Checker	Either a urologist or a sexual diseases doctor (also the ship's doctor in Naval slang)
Peek and shriek	To open a patient surgically, discover an uncurable condition, and close the incision immediately
PEFYC	Pre Extricated For Your Convenience (RTA victim that has gone through windscreen)
Penal Colony	Renal ward/dept, especially when a superbug is on the loose
Percussive maintenance	Hitting an electronic item, such as a ventilator, to
Pest control	Term applied to psychiatrists by casualty of•Âcer
PFH	Parent(s) from Hell (custodians of BFH - Brat From Hell)
PFO	Pissed And Fell Over
PGT	Pissed and Got Thumped
PHALS	Post-Harmless Accident Lawsuit Syndrome
Pharmaceutically Enhanced Personality	Stoned or medicated
Pharmaceutically Gifted	Admissions with altered mental states as a result of drug use
PHAT	Pretty Hot and Tempting (warning to others)
PIA	Pain in the ass
PID shuf•fle	Spot diagnosis in A&E. Others include the "kidney stone squirm"
Pillow Consult	Wanting to smother a difficult patient
Pillow positive	(Wales) patients who are repeated admissions for prolonged periods with no physiological cause of their problems. It is joked they go to hospital with their own pillows ready for admission
Pillow Therapy	The urge to smother annoying patient (aggressive euthanasia, tontine treatment).
PIMBA	(Brazil) swollen-footed, drunk, run-over beggar ("P̩ Inchado Mulambo B̻bado Atropelado")
Pineboxatosis	Collection of conditions which lead to transfer to the ECU, usually accompanied by PBTB with positive Q-sign or O-sign
Pink lady	Concoction for gastritis in Australia, contains lignocaine viscous and mylanta
Pink puffer	Patient with emphysema
Pink shrink	A gay psychiatrist
Pit	The emergency room
PitiÌÁtico	(Brazil) patients feigning illness.
Plano Paf̼ncio	(Brazil) alleged preferential treatment of relatives of hospital employees.
Please Consult Us If New (Surgical) Issues Arise	Please never page me again
Please Optimize Medical Treatment	Don't call us until you've done your job first
Plumbus oscillans	'Latin' for swinging the lead
Pneumocephalic	literally: 'airhead'
Podo-Oral	Foot in Mouth (i.e. put one's foot in it - rarely used BY senior staff, sometimes used ABOUT them)
Pokemon	Pronounced Pokey-man) - the medic who drains abscesses (Lancelot (lance-a-lot) in the UK)
Policeman lesion	A lesion on an X ray that is so obvious, a policeman would see it.
Poliesculhambado	(Brazil) multi-f*cked-up patient.
Polybabydadic	The state of having illegitimate children by several fathers, known or unknown.
Polydipose Dysfunction	Big, fat patient (polydipose being invented plural of adipose [fat])
Pop Drop	Grandad dumping (dumping elderly relative at Casualty dept)
POPTA	Passed Out Prior To Arrival
Porch People, Walmart Greeters	Confused patients sitting in chairs in hall for close observation
Portcullis sign	The presence of the "O-sign" and "Q-sign" with the addition of the top set of false teeth having fallen to trap the tongue in place
Positive Blue Legs Sign	(US) resuscitation behind closed curtains (US ER medics wear blue scrubs)
Positive Hilton Sign	Demanding patient expects Hilton Hotel luxury; indicates patient well enough to leave!
Positive Suitcase Sign	Patients who are repeated admissions for prolonged periods with no physiological cause of their problems. They turn up at hospital with packed suitcases ready for admission
Possible This Possible That	Consent form in case exploratory surgery
Postweekend fatigue syndrome	Disease seen mainly in general practice surgeries on Monday mornings
Pot Plant	Person in a Persistant Vegetative State (often used in plural to mean coma ward)
Pox docs	Physicians who staff the gerito-urinary medicine clinic
PPP	Piss Poor Protoplasm - a patient endowed with inferior/defective genetic material
PRATFO	Patient reassured and told to fuck off
Pre-Detention Stress Disorder	A person who feigns medical symptoms when police handcuff him
Psychoceramic	Used in psychology to indicate that the patient in question is a crackpot. Also used for psychogeriatrics.
Psycode	Code blue in a psychiatric hospital. It is always someone passing out from the side effects of their meds.
Pucker Factor	The degree/speed of constriction of the surgeon's anal sphincter is directly proportional to the patient's risk of sudden death
Pumpkin positive	Refers to the idea that a person's brain is so tiny that a penlight shone into their mouth will make their empty head gleam like a Jack-o'-lantern.
Purple (code purple)	When paramedics are called out to a dead body
PVC Challenge	To intubate someone.
Q-dot sign	The end of it
Q-sign	see O-sign, Portcullis sign
QT-sign	Follows the Q sign, when the tongue is out and the tablet remains on
Quackpractor	Chiropractor
Qwertyitis	Disease a doctor suffers from when s/he spends more time on a computer than with actual patients
Rear Admiral	Proctologist
Red pipe	Artery (as opposed to "blue pipe" or vein)
Removal men	Care of the elderly department
Retrospectoscope	Equipment that endows the bene•Ât of hindsight
Rheumaholiday	Rheumatology, considered by hard-pressed juniors to be a less busy department. See dermaholiday
Ridiot	Someone who acts like an ass on Ritalin
Ringo	Expendable member of a team. (After Ringo Starr, drummer with the Beatles. John, Paul, and George went on to successful solo careers. Ringo did the voiceover for Thomas the Tank Engine.)
Roach	A patient, usually a dirtbag/ingrate, that can't be killed despite near lethal complications of an already serious ailment
ROAD	Dermatologist. Acronym "Retired On Active Duty" Akin to "dermaholiday"
Road Chilli or Pizza	Unrestrained driver/motorcyclist or passenger, ejected and splattered
Road Map	Injuries incurred by going through a car windshield face first.
Road Map Abdomen	Scarred from multiple ops (same as Gridiron Belly, Zorro Belly)
Road Test	To get a drunk patient to walk up and down a corridor; if they pass they are turfed, if they fail they need a bit longer to sober up.
Rock	A patient that stays on your service forever
Rocket Room	A ward/unit where there are many deaths (many transfers to heaven)
Rocking horse stool	As in 'as rare as...' (see also goldfish stool)
Rooters	Indigents and hangers-on who gather in big-city emergency rooms in order to be entertained by legitimate cases.
Rose cottage	Mortuary
Rothman's sign	Tobacco staining of fingers
Rounding Up The Usual Suspects	Ordering a set of tests for a given set of symptoms
RPVU	Relative Porsche Value Unit - surgical index of potential income from the repair of patient injuries, usually orthopaedic in nature. Fractured finger = a windscreen wiper; a fractured hip = new tyres etc.
RTT with a BBB	Rat-a-Tat-Tat with a Baseball Bat (hit with blunt instrument).
Rule of Five	If more than five of the patient's orifices are obscured by tubing, he has no chance of survival.
Saddles	Maternity sanitary towels (napkins), so called for their size and the bow-legged effect of wearing them
Samsonite sign positive	When a patient turns up with a suitcase (Samsonite is a type of suitcase)
Sarcoidosis	An actual disease, but a perfectly acceptable answer that may be included in ANY differential diagnosis
SBI	Something Bad Inside e.g. undiagnosed cancer/unexpected serious condition found when performing surgery
Scepticemia	What physicians develop with experience
Scrape and Staple	Burns unit
Search and Rescue	The medical middle grader allocated to look after the patients dotted in non-medical wards
See one, do one, teach one	Classical way to learn medical techniques
Sellout	Derogatory term for plastic surgeon in private practice
SEP	Somebody else's problem (not to be confused with sepsis)
September club	Not-so-exclusive group of students doing retakes (UK), aka summer school in AUS/NZ
Serum rhubarb	Obscure tests carried out only in specialist centers
SF Scale	Sphincter Factor Scale: 1 to 10 scale indicating degree of bowel-loosening in response to an emergency
SFS	Stinky Foot Syndrome (often related to homeless)
SHA	Ship His Ass (when patients refuse to be discharged).
SHAD	Syphilitic, Hypochondriac, Alcoholic Degenerate
Shadow gazer	Radiologist
Shandy Tap	Bloodless lumbar puncture
Short-Order Chefs	Mortuary workers.
Shotgunning	Ordering a wide variety of tests in the hope that one will show what's wrong with a patient
Sick	Really sick i.e. FTD (Fixing To Die) or CTD (Circling The Drain)
Sieve	A physician (usually a resident) who is not skilled at dumping; the opposite of a wall.
SÌ_ndrome JEC	(Brazil) terminal patient ("Jesus EstÌÁ Chamando" = "Jesus is calling").
SIO	Sleeping It Off
Slasher	Surgeon
Slough	Patient who another unit or hospital tries to unload on you inappropriately or unfairly
Slow code	Usually an elderly patient who is very ill, but wants everything done so they will not die. Everyone on the medical team disagrees. "Mr. Smith is a slow code". i.e. don't run to get the code cart (take your time).
Smiling death	Friendly examiner everyone loves to hate, or appears friendly but gives low grades
Smoke the Anaesthetic Cigar/Smoke the Camel	Intubated and ventilated
Smurf Sign	Patient blue or going blue
SNEFS/M SNEFS	Subnormal (or Mentally Subnormal) Even For Suffolk (a rural English county)
Snow	To accidently give a patient too much medication/mixed medication so they go into an altered state of consciousness ("Don't snow that patient with Drug X and Drug Y at the same time!)
Snowed	Being in a state of altered consciousness due to too much/mixed medication
SNUD	Sick Nigh Unto Death
SOB	Silly Old Bugger, Sitting Out of Bed/Sitting On Bed, Short Of Breath
Society for the Prevention of Surgery	Anaesthesia Department
SOCMOB	Standing On Corner, Minding Own Business - referencing an assault victim who is lying about their injuries to avoid discussing their own illicit acts at the time of the attack.
SODDI	Some Other Doctor Did It (when one medic's botched jobs must be put right/answered for by someone else)
Sofa Surfer	Homeless person who sleeps on friends' sofas and floors (ends up at A&E for "3 hots and a cot" when s/he has nowhere else to stay)
Soft admission	One that only a sieve would accept
SOG	Sick Old Guy (male version of LOL (Little Old Lady)
Special K	Ketamine - Slang for the anesthetic and amnestic drug Ketamine
Speed bumps	Haemorrhoids
Spin the Patient	CT scan
Spots and dots	Traditional set of childhood diseases - measles, mumps, and chicken pox
Squirrel	Strange patient, particularly one whose eccentricities make your life difficult. There is a related adjective, "squirrelly." A common aphorism is "Squirrels get sick too", used as a reminder not to dismiss such a patient's concerns out of hand because they may actually have a real problem.
SSDD	Same Sh!t Different Day (in conjunction with Frequent Flyer)
St. Elsewhere	Term used in ivory towers to describe any nonteaching hospital
Stage Mother	Person accompanying patient and encouraging patient to exaggerate the complaint (often to obtain a particular diagnosis or to get an unnecessary prescription)
Stamp	Skin graft
Stat	Immediately, shortened from the latin statim
Status Hispanicus	An overly agitated Hispanic patient (often Caribbean, seldom Mexican) who cannot stop screaming about their condition without providing useful information
Steel Sign	Surgical metalwork from previous ops visible on x-ray
Stem to Stern	Throat to pubis incision
Stream team	Urology dept
Stupidity Panel	Lab test (for patient stupidity) that, when invented, will earns its inventor a fortune (i.e. thick patient)
Sturgeon	Surgeon
Sucking The Peace Pipe	Intubated
Summer Teeth	Some are teeth and some aren't ...
Sunshine	How one addresses an entitled, arrogant patient
Supratentorial	All in the head, crazy
SWAG	Scientific Wild Ass Guess
SYB	Save Your Breath (for patients who don't take advice)
Tachylordyosis	(with the junctional Jesus) - Usually a middle-aged to older black female American with a complaint of "lordy, lordy, lordy, lordy, lordy, lordy", occasionally with the interspersed "Jesus" i.e. "lordy, lordy, lordy, lordy, Jesus help me, lordy, lordy"
TATT	Talks all the time, or tired all the time
TBD	Total body dolor i.e. complains of pain everywhere
TBP	Total body pain
TDS	Terminal deceleration syndrome (e.g. RTA death, high-rise syndrome, jump-suicides and parachute-failed-to-open)
TEETH	Tried everything else, try homeopathy
Testiculation	Description of a gesture typically used by hospital consultant "when holding forth on subject on which he or she has little knowledge". Gesture is of an upturned hand with outstretched fingers pointed upwards, clutching an invisible pair of testicles.
TFTB	Too fat to breathe
THC	Three hots and a cot - sought in ED/ER by the local homeless (three hot meals and a bed)
The Fish Plant	Gynaecology/Obstetrics Ward (from Newfoundland, where fisheries is the main industry)
The Promised Land	Private practice/final year of medical school
Therapeutic Monitoring	Monitoring a patient purely because it makes the doctor feel better.
Thorazine shuffle	Slow, lumbering gait of psychiatric patients dosed up on phenothiazines
Three-toed sloth	Patient with diminished capacities, usually from long-term alcoholism
Throckmorton sign	Also known as the John Thomas sign (UK) - used to describe a penis that is visible on xray; tradition dictates that the side that the penis points to will have an abnormal finding.
Tinted speculopathy	A patient who wears dark sunglasses inside the hospital. They either have a personality disorder or a cause of meningeal irritation
TLA	Three-letter acronym. Used repeatedly by Acronymophiliacs
TLC	Tube, Lavage & Charcoal (given to poisoning victim)
TMB	Too many birthdays
TMI	Three Meaningless Initials (e.g. John Smith, TMI - applied to medics with qualifications rather than ability)
Toaster	Defibrillator
TOBP	Tired of Being Pregnant (especially patient demanding caesarian)
TOG	Tears of Gratitude
Tontine Treatment	Urge to put pillow over face of irritating patient (Tontine is a leading brand of pillows in Australia, also a type of will)
Torture Room	Intensive Care Unit (due to invasive tubes and monitors and experimental treatments).
Toxic Confusional State	Confused, usually elderly, person whose problem is due to constipation (toxic build up in body)
TrambiclÌ_nica	(Brazil) a clinic staffed by medical students in order to maximise profits ("fraudulent clinic").
Transcranial Lead Therapy	Gunshot wound passing through head
Trauma Gods	Mythological deities whom A&E personnel believe to be the cause of major emergencies
Trauma handshake	n. a digital rectal exam. Every major trauma patient gets one
Trauma Twinkie	Ambulance (one of the smaller or European-style ones)
Treat and street	To treat a patient in the ER or clinic without admitting them to the hospital.
Trick cyclists	Psychiatrists
Trigger Happy	A medic that gives a shot [injection] for everything or patient that used call button excessively.
Triple E	Ethnic Emotional Episode, when the family of a minority patient becomes overly distressed and begins to interfere with their family member's treatment.
TSS	Toxic Sock Syndrome (often related to homeless)
TTFO	Told To F@$k Off (...or as one doctor told the Judge, to take fluids orally)
TTOAST	Take Them Out and Shoot Them
TTR	Tea Time Review or Tattoo to Tooth ratio - see Dirt Bag Index, above
TUBE	Totally unnecessary breast exam
Turf	Diverting a patient to another team by buf•Âng the history to suit.
Turfmaster generals	The most advanced exponents of the art of turfing
Turn and Baste	Incontinence care (roll and clean up patient after a code brown)
Turtle's Head	In severe constipation where the anus is dilated and a faecal mass is visible (aka "shy turd") - the problem is, it starts to come out and then, like a turtle's head, it goes back in again!
TVTP	Tried Vancomycin, Try Prayer (Vancomycin is anti-MRSA drug itªs resistant to anything else)
TWA	Third world assassins. Slang for the allegedly poor medical care delivered by physicians who went to medical school in foreign countries (like Northern Ireland)
Two beers	The number of beers every patient involved in an alcohol-related automobile accident claims to have drunk before the accident
Two dudes	This is always the answer when doctors ask a patient who beat them up, as in "I was walking down the street minding my own business when these two dudes jumped me for no reason." The implication is that if it were only one dude the patient would have won the fight.
Two Legged Guinea Pig	Patient undergoing experimental or extreme treatments
Two Stops Short of West Ham	(Psychiatry) Barking mad. Barking is slang for "mad" and also the name of a station; it is 4 stops from West Ham, but the psych slang follows the formula "2 sandwiches short of a picnic", "Tuppence short of a shilling" (simple-minded/nuts) - the deficit is alway 2 items. Severe madness is "Dagenham" i.e. "3 stops beyond Barking".
TWSAM	Trash Will Survive And Multiply
UBI	Unexplained Beer Injury - for for all those hungover people on Sunday mornings with black eyes/swollen knees and no idea how they'd got them
UDI	Unexplainable Drinking Injury
Unborn Farts/Retained Farts	abdominal bloating due to trapped wind (gas)
Unclear medicine	Nuclear medicine, especially in reference to V/Q scans
Unfascinectomy	Long slog of a procedure
Unfascinoma	Long procedure, now getting longer or a procedure that fascinates specialist diagnosticians, but isn't fascinating surgeons
Unineuronal	Extremely educationally challenged worse than oligoneuronal
UNIVAC	Unusually Nasty Infection, Vultures are Circling
UPF	Un-passed fart - describing gasseous distention as seen on an xray of the abdomen
UPID	Ultimate Personality Improvement Device - Endotracheal tube
Urban Outdoorsman	Homeless person
Vampires	Those who take blood samples, e.g. lab techs (also slang for blood donor service)
VD	Veak and Dizzy. Any older person who just doesn't feel "right". No specific complaint, but decided something must be wrong and came to the ER at 2am. "I am just weak and dizzy doc!"
Vege	a patient requiring intensive care, incapable of movement
Velcro	Family or friends accompanying patient everywhere; also applies to medical students who follow doctors too closely.
Veranda	area in front of nurse's station where the porch people sit (see Porch People)
Viaggravation	What a doctor gets from a patient who is demanding erectile dysfunction medication on the NHS (not all areas of the UK provide this on NHS)
VIP	Very intoxicated person
Virgin abdomen	A patient that has never had abdominal surgery before, implying that there will be little intra-abdominal scarring.
Vitamin A	Ativan
Vitamin D	Diazepam for sedation, also Vitamin V for valium
Vitamin D	Diesel (ambulance term). "Give it some Vitamin D" means drive faster
Vitamin H	A haloperidol injection, used in the ER setting to rapidly sedate patients who display dangerous or destructive behavior that threatens the safety of hospital staff and other patients.
Vitamin H	Heroin (drug addict)
Vitamin K	Ketamine for procedural sedation or intubation.
Vitamin L	Lasix
Vitamin M	Morphine
Vitamin P	Lasix (diuretic) given to stimulate urination (peeing) in post-operative patients; can also mean Prozac
Vitamin V	Valium, Diazepam or any intravenous sedative; in General Practice it is Viagra
Vitamin Z	Zosyn or Zoloft
VOMIT	Victim Of Modern Imaging Technology (i.e. try treating the patient, not the report from radiology; particularly referring to invasive procedures for false positives.
VTMK	Voice To Melt Knickers (the voice deliberately cultivated by some doctors)
WADHAO	weak and dizzy and hurt all over
WAFTAM	("woff-tam"): Waste Of F#$%Ing Time And Money
Wall	A physician (usually a resident) adept at preventing admissions to his service. See "dump"
Walletectomy	An expensive procedure, in private practice
Ward 101	The source of referrals that fills the recipient with dread. (From room 101, which contained all the deepest fears of the protagonist in George Orwell's novel 1984.)
Weed Puller	Obstetrician
White cloud	An on-call doctor who has uneventful call nights. As opposed to a Black Cloud
White Lizard	The white coloured "cocktail" given for stomach problems (Black Lizard is similar "cocktail" but contains activated charcoal)
White Mice	Tampons
Whopper with cheese	Description of a woman with large pendulous breasts with moist intertrigo beneath them
Wifty	Mildly confused, but seems oriented most of the time
Wig picker	Therapist or psychologist
Wilkinson's Syndrome	A patient who has slashed their wrists with a razor blade (after a popular brand of razor)
Will Follow From A Distance	Will check your lab results, but will never set foot in your room again
William	(UK) chiropedist i.e. William the corn-curer (William the Conqueror)
Win the game	To discharge all of the patients from your service, so that you have no inpatients to care for. For example "Mike won the game and doesn't have to round this weekend." Also known as a "Yahtzee"
Winner	A patient with very good luck; can also sarcastically mean a loser.
Witch doctor	Specialist in internal medicine
WITPOMS	Why Is This Patient On My Service
WNL	Used for recording vital signs. It can mean "within normal limits" or "we never looked"
WOMBAT	Waste Of Money, Brains And Time
Woolworth's Test	Anaesthetic term (if you could have imagined patient shopping in Woolies, it's safe to give a general anaesthetic)
Wooly jumper	Any non-acute physician
Wrinkly	Elderly patient
WTDB	White Trash Douchebag (Pronounced "whiskey tango DB")
WWI	Walking while intoxicated (and fell over)
YAVIS	Young, attractive, verbal, intelligent, successful.
YMRASU	Your Medical Records Are Screwed Up
YOYO	You're on your own; see "amyoyo" and "solomf yoyo" (also message passed from one doctor to another regarding problem/mystifying cases)
YSM	Yummy scrummy mummy - an attractive parent
Zebra	An unusually strange or unexpected disease (from the saying "When you hear hoofbeats, the smart money is on horses, not zebras")
Zorro belly	Surgical inscription on the abdomen of an unfortunate patient

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OGXn6HuCodE

Life in the Fast Lane Medical Blog - Emergency Medicine education blog

Oftentimes words in and of themselves seem nonsensical.

Although contextualisation points a wary finger towards understanding; illumination and progress are hampered by the wanton obloquy of phonetic bastardisation.

As eponyms and retrodiction lie idle, we succumb to the dankness of stagnant learning draped in the predilection of Morpheus.

Let me see then, what thereat is, and this mystery explore…

EAP- The Raven

And we neologize thus…

If Odynophagia is pain on swallowing food and fluids, a symptom often due to disease of the oesophagus.

Greek: odyno-, (pain) + -phagia, (phagein, to eat)

…Then Odentophagia could be pain on swallowing dentures

Neo-Greek: O -, (surprise) + dent (tooth) + phagia, (phagein, to eat)

Life in the Fast Lane Medical Blog - Emergency Medicine education blog

I have been very quiet lately…

Blogging, tweeting and online social communication has taken a back seat as I write the next editions of the medical textbooks. Researching the material for the texts is fun, but not as enjoyable as collaborating in the medical blogosphere.

Mental stimulation however has been preserved by creating a real-time link between writing the book revisions and updating the blog pages. Additional research, references and images are being added to each chapter of the books (e.g. On Call Principles and Protocols) as they are being written. Hopefully this will provide a useful series of visual references for those using the texts.

Searching my image library for adjunctive multimedia has brought back some great memories. Indeed wearing my retrospectacles affords wistful reminiscences of the persistent, whining and obtuse questions I asked (without research) of my mentors during training.

Researching the ICC insertion chapter reminded me of such a question….

Me: If we are not supposed to use a trocar when inserting a chest tube…then why put one in the chest drain kit? What possible purpose could it serve?

Mentor: “Are you now, or have you ever been…an idiot”

Me:

Mentor: Skewer trocaris and trocar plantare are two examples which spring to mind…

Me:

Mentor: …always remember ‘quidquid Latine dictum sit altum viditu‘

Skewer trocalis

trocar plantare

Life in the Fast Lane Medical Blog - Emergency Medicine education blog

With the festive season upon us, the Life in The Fast Lane team would like to share an Aussie Christmas favourite. This ‘carol‘ embraces the passion of the Aussie lifestyle and lifts the spirits in 40 degree heat in a way snow laden caricatures cannot…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S9NhL3agUaw

Dashing through the bush
In a rusty Holden Ute
Kicking up the dust
Esky in the boot
Kelpie by my side
Singing Christmas songs
It’s summer time and I am in
My singlet, shorts & thongs

Chorus:
Oh Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells
Jingle all the way
Christmas in Australia
On a scorching summers day
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells
Christmas time is beut
Oh what fun it is to ride in a rusty Holden ute

Engine’s getting hot
Dodge the kangaroos
Swaggy climbs aboard
He is welcome too
All the family is there
Sitting by the pool
Christmas day, the Aussie way
By the barbecue!

Chorus

Come the afternoon
Grandpa has a doze
The kids and Uncle Bruce
Are swimming in their clothes
The time comes round to go
We take a family snap
Then pack the car and all shoot through
Before the washing up

Chorus

Life in the Fast Lane Medical Blog - Emergency Medicine education blog

I am not a bad man. Despite the shift work, the abuse and confrontation inherent working in front-line medicine I generally maintain an even temperament.

However, overnight I was confronted by an angry and aggressive middle-aged male weighing 183kg (400lb). His behaviour was intolerable, exemplified by a tirade of rude and inappropriate comments to the nursing staff and failure to use a mandated receptacle to contain his urethral eliminations (choosing instead to graphically represent his apellation on the cubicle wall from over his bed-rails).

In order to address this issue and calmly take control of the situation I strode into his cubicle and attempted to say – “Sir, your behaviour is causing offense. Would you kindly refrain from being so abusive to the nursing staff”. However, confronted by the gentleman’s incredible Falstaffian girth I inadvertently blurted:

“Mate, pipe down and stop being so obesive…”

Following this Freudian slap there fell a moment of calm as silence embraced semantic cerebration and basked in the adulation of the neologistic choir….then all Hell broke lose as a torrent of vehemence and angst united on a new adversary.

[b - sv]

Obesive

• adjective –  Fat and Angry
• descriptive term for corpulent persons prone to using insulting, coarse or derogatory language

Life in the Fast Lane Medical Blog - Emergency Medicine education blog

In the world of medicine there has been a grammatical battle raging for what seems an eternity. “Who are the warring parties?”, you ask. On one side are those that say “nauseating”, and on the the other, those that say “nauseous”.

“Other related terms from the 17th century—nauseation, nauseative, nauseity, nausity—are now obsolete or used very rarely…”

Who is right? The merging borders of written and spoken language; the cyclical nature of grammatical favour and the explosion of social media are to blame for the confusion surrounding linguistic semantics.

Whereas the use of nauseous in the subjective sense when speaking now seems a given, nauseated is still holding its own in text. Conversely, the use of nauseous to indicate the cause of nausea is rapidly falling into disuse in spoken conversation (and when it is used, it is sometimes confused with noxious), whereas it maintains only a rapidly diminishing tenuous lead over nauseating in text.

Find out more at the OUPblog: Nauseating or Nauseous or at the AMA Manual of Style

“And from the standpoint of medicine as an art for the prevention and cure of disease, the man who translates the hieroglyphics of science into the plain language of healing is certainly the more useful.” – William Osler, from ‘Teacher and Student’, in Aequanimitas.

PS. For those that missed Toxicology Conundrum 015, here’s a vivid reminder of why its all bad, regardless of whether you’re feeling nauseated or nauseous…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4eYSpIz2FjU

Life in the Fast Lane Medical Blog - Emergency Medicine education blog

“PFO”…”Not another TLA”, I hear you groan…

PFO is a three letter acronym that stands for “pissed, fell over“… A disturbingly frequent presenting complaint to emergency departments around the world.

Here’s a bar chart showing the pattern of injuries that result from PFOs, according to blood alcohol concentration:

From: Johnston JJ, McGovern SJ. Alcohol related falls: an interesting pattern of injuries. Emerg Med J. 2004 Mar;21(2):185-8.

The bottom line according to @precordialthump:

At a BAC of about 2.5 g/L most people are too drunk to put their arms out to break their fall…

So they fall flat on their faces…

Life in the Fast Lane Medical Blog - Emergency Medicine education blog

Prompted by a series of conversational musings and twitterings the concept of a ‘blogging ecosystem‘ became apparent. With the ‘blogging host‘ as the primary producer and ‘blog posts’ as distribution seeds – I went in search of the other energy sources necessary to create a fit, healthy and viable blog.

Additional correlates within the blog life cycle include sunlight (readership), water (news sources) and nutrients (disambiguated, decomposed information mulch). So, how do these processes combine? How can we rationalize the individual relationships between the energy sources, information resources and the organic content decompilers? How do we define the ‘blogging ecosystem‘

The blogging organism requires a few essential elements to survive, develop and grow. As with any living plant the essential elements for growth include sunlight, water, nutrients and a stable environment.

1. Sunlight: A diffuse and radiant energy – your readership. Every blog requires some semblance of light to grow. Increased growth will spread the blogs branches tall and create a canopy. However this canopy (being essentially phototropic) can sway towards the readership desires – beware the angry venter!
2. Water: Environmental news sources, news feeds, information aggregators, RSS feeds
3. Information Mulch: The combination of organic material [life experience] with water [environmental news resources] in shaded conditions [thinking time] – creates the ‘information mulch’
4. Decomposers: The natural decomposers on the forrest floor are the Twitts, the Tweeple and the ‘Dipity Swurlers’ – these are not your normal readership – these are friends in feed. They are natural decomposers of information able to rationalize good content, break down longer posts or hefty journal articles and provide shortened, pre-digested pearls of information…’nutrients and humus‘
5. Nutrients: [Macronutrients and micronutrients] Essentially the tweeple [consumers and decomposers] are able to disaggregate and disambiguate to ‘enrich the soil’ and ‘stabilize the mulch’- they are the ‘catalysts of the blogging ecosystem and produce ‘tweets’ and ‘twitterings’ – the essential aggregated macronutrient for a blossoming blog.

As with all ecosystems ‘optimal’ conditions for growth must be maintained for the blogging organism to grow to its full potential. The combination of sunlight and water is a constant flux which the hardiest of organisms is capable of coping with – but environmental stressors may be overwhelming

• Too much light: Over-exposure can lead to intense pressure on the blogger, a perpetual desire to produce immaculate and well researched postings, a fear of failure. This can result in a ‘fanfare blog‘ being ‘scorched’ with an overwhelming inquisitive readership
• Too much water: It is possible to drown with a deluge of environmental input. When the information mulch becomes flooded – it can become impossible to define the high quality news from the trees!
• Optimal exposure: Just the right mix of sunlight (readership exposure) and water (environmental stimulus) leads to optimal growth -

Death of the blog - excessive exposure and Twittaholism

Nutrients: A careful balance of nutrients is also essential for optimal blog development within the blogging ecosystem.

• Too much time spent twittering will reduce blog nurturing time and result in low quality blog development
• However too little time with social networks and micro-blogging can result in blogs losing phototropism, and becoming shaded within the climax community

Tall Poppy Syndrome

Life in the Fast Lane Medical Blog - Emergency Medicine education blog

More from the Aussie Medical Dictionary

Life in the Fast Lane Medical Blog - Emergency Medicine education blog

More from the Aussie Medical Dictionary

Life in the Fast Lane Medical Blog - Emergency Medicine education blog