College President

Sir Hubert Ignatius Thompson III

His Excellency, Beloved Leader of the College, Great Elephant, Lord High Poobah Sir Hubert Ignatius Thompson III

Born in to a small Scottish hill tribe in the mid 20th century Sir Hubert rose quickly to prominence in the local medical community before having to flee the country as a direct consequence of scurrilous and unfounded allegations made against him by jealous rivals. He was exiled to a small South American banana republic where he honed his political and medical skills before becoming the primary fondling member of the Utopian College.

He generously accepted the office of President for life following a spate of acute lead poisonings and freak yachting accidents that decimated the ranks of his rivals to the position.

He now rules in perpetuity as a benign tyrant guiding the college from his secret lair in the caldera of a dormant volcano near Pyongyang.  Various politically motivated radical left wing organisations such as Amnesty International, the UN and the Country Women’s Institute have described him as an evil despot.  However, we who live under his rule would rather spend a life time in one of his gulags than suffer one minute of “freedom” in their twisted democracies.

All Hail, Sir Hubert!

Council Stool

Professor Oliver Orvil Jeremiah Octavia Bristol

Born in Lower Colonbus, Caecoa Prof. Bristol was initially considered a bit wet, but as he grew and moved to Flexorius, Hepatica he firmed and formed a more rounded character. He was passed sideways through various positions until joining the Utopian College whilst working at St. Splenicus’s Infirmary for the Bound.

His character became increasingly dry and nuggety during his slow transit through the College ranks.  He became a Professor after Sir Hubert Ignatius Thompson III recommended him to the Sigmoidian Research Council. He has since passed in to the annals of College history as a perfectly formed Utopian specimen despite only modestly rating his aptitude and skills as 3-4 out of 7 on his own scale.

Prof Bristol has many and varies roles including:

• Chair of Indiscriminate Fines
  • Conducting advanced research into credit card fraud and scanning techniques.
  • Provides expert advice to the Sicilian and Neapolitan business development boards.
• Chair of the Far Too Serious Subcommittee
  • Developing and implementing a lifestyle strategy to improve the work-work balance of MUPPETS.

Council Hygienist

Assistant Sub-Professor Egerton Yorick Davis IV

Egerton Yorick Davis IV was born in his ancestral home of Caughnawauga, Quebec. His early career was beset by naysayers who doubted he could ever emerge from the shadow of his great-grandfather, Egerton Y. Davis, the former US Army Captain renowned for first describing penis captivus.

Egerton Y. Davis IV’s star began to rise with the publication of his best-selling novel, ‘On the Road to Erewhon‘. This novel was loosely based on his own peripatetic career as a Psychiatric Surgeon in the frozen backwaters of Alaska and the biting dust of the Gibson desert (where he mostly treated pharmacists). This led to his appointment as Assistant Sub-Professor of Creative Medical Writing at the Doublethink Institute in Pyongyang, from where he was headhunted by Sir Hubert Ignatius Thompson III to become UCEM’s PR Supervisor.

A frequent spokeperson for UCEM on public health matters, Egerton was recently appointed ‘Head, Demographically Impartial Public & Social Health Improvement Taskforce’. A leading proponent of the miasma theory of disease, he coined the catchphrase “a gas mask a day, keeps the doctor away” and is noted for his enematic editorials lamenting wasted investment in clean drinking water. As creator of UCEM’s Mental Health Hotline and the driving force behind the 2009 initiative to cancel Christmas, Egerton’s future with UCEM looks very rosy indeed.

The Assistant Sub-Prof’s official UCEM Council Executive Roles include:

• Head, Demographically Impartial Public & Social Health Improvement Taskforce
• Hygienist for the Council Executive
• UCEM PR Supervisor

To keep up to date with latest UCEM machinations follow Egerton Y. Davis IV on Twitter.

Chair of Pedantry (UCEM)

Professor Harry Stickler

Prof. H. Stickler is is one of the great binary communicators of our time and has been variously described as “more obsessive compulsive than Rainman on cocaine” and, perhaps more illuminatingly “a great loss to the world of anaesthetics”.

Sir Hubert and Harry met whilst in the lower fourths at Buggrington Grammar. Harry was a withdrawn and nervous child harboring a menagerie of tics and twitches. He was noticeably absent from most classes, preferring to take refuge from the bullying japery of the upper fourths within the leafy shrubbery of the submissive quadrangle. Here he used grains of sand (q) as quadratic residue modulo n to define congruence to perfect squares (mod n).

Thankfully the astute Sir Hubert recognised Prof Sticklers incredible powers of mathematical logic and deduction, his captious spirit and outright punctiliousness and he took the misunderstood genius under his wing. He has been his companion and protector ever since.

Although he is largely incapable as a physician his incredible mind has been of great service to Sir Hubert in many ways. (We would explain them to you, but you couldn’t possibly understand). Working on the principle that those who can, do, and those who can’t, teach, Sir Hubert has placed Prof Stickler in charge of the Utopian College training program. Prof Stickler has a great compassion for those who suffer through education (a pre-requisite for all MUPPETS) and is currently writing an exhaustive college syllabus and training program (currently on its 15th revision and over 10,000 pages long).

With the students mental welfare in mind, Prof Stickler uses his wry and perceptive sense of humour to great effect. For example, in the chapter on Bayesian inference his uproarious quote “10100111101101011101110001100110001100101011011010101010110100110000112” is still considered an exemplar of Euclidean literary miscellany within niche binary enclaves around the world.

Prof Sticklers official UCEM Council Executive Roles include:

• Chair of Pedantry
• Chair of Utopian Nursing Training
• Treasurer of the Anti-Kōan Society

Chair of Inquisitorial Disciplinary Committee (UCEM)

Professor Inglebert Struvite Staghorn

Professor Inglebert Struvite Staghorn hails from the village of Calyxia nestled on the anaconda-infested shores of the Amazon River. Although the young Staghorn’s missionary parents encouraged him to study the healing arts, he instead discovered a taste for the no-holds-barred fighting arts. With a reputation for ear-splitting roundhouse kicks, he emerged undefeated from the Portuguese União Júnior vale tudo championships as the foremost exponent of an unorthodox move best described as  ‘starting the lawnmower’ while gripping his opponent’s groin. Having mastered the art of making grown men cry, Staghorn entered undergraduate studies at the Universidade de Uretica e Colica where he obtained a first in Calculus.

Staghorn’s eyes were opened to the awesome possibilities of medicine after an unpleasant encounter with a candiru necessitated the urgent attention of a urologist. Fortunately, his protean talents, combined with the providential demise of a competing student (who sadly died of hematuria following a blow to the loin by an unknown assailant – he was buried in a crystal-lidded coffin), led him to the prestigious Universidade de Virgens e Jogadores, located a few miles south of Iliacus. Staghorn’s passage was at first slow, but it soon became clear that his caustic personality would see him attain greatness as a radiologist. Although he remained a somewhat shadowy figure in the world of roentgenography he achieved prominence with the rise of computed tomography. Indeed, he is credited with the first use of the Rolling Stones’ song “You can’t always get what you want” as call waiting music when taking calls from the ED.

Upon meeting Staghorn, Sir Hubert Ignatius Thompson III ejaculated that he had found the perfect man to occupy the vacant position of Director of UCEM’s Inquisitorial Disciplinary Committee. Staghorn has also been tasked with heading the Radiology, Alcohol and Violence in Emergencies special conflict-of-interest group and coordinating the Utopian Border Patrol. Although, sometimes criticized as being something of a ‘p*sshead‘, Prof Staghorn stands by the aphorism, “You’re only an alcoholic if you drink more than your doctor”. Like all good doctors, he tends to treat himself.

Prof Staghorn’s official UCEM Council Executive Roles include:

• Director, Inquisitorial Disciplinary Committee
  
• Head of the Radiology, Alcohol and Violence in Emergencies special conflict-of-interest group
• Coordinator of the Utopian Border Patrol

Chair of Infectious Diseases

Ameritous Prof Jeremiah McSeptic Broughton-D’Lirium

A/Prof Broughton-D’Lirium is a natural rabble-rouser, incapable of staying quiescent for more than one agenda item. His tirades of virulent invective usually falter when challenged by senate colleagues armed with an appropriate anti-invective agent.

Broughton-D’Lirium has been known to phase up to criticism for lagging behind the main body of opinion, yet he has a fine sense of dequorum when in polite company. Originally a cultured soul, his academic progress was matched by a voluntary descent into basement laboratory grime where he has been know to pass the time watching biofilms in black and white with subtitles. It’s been said that in these dark, anaerobic recesses he ferments the germ of a new idea before setting it loose on his colony of research assistants.

Growth and development only reach stagnation point when there’s nothing left to ferment. The earthy stench of media incubating in Broughton-D’Lirium’s basement subsides briefly when he prepares for a visit from his Auntie Septic; a lady of advanced years, reputed to have first uttered the phrase; “Long may your inocu-lum reek.”

The most recent infernal machine to emerge from the basement miasma is a solar powered bicycle he calls a thermocycler. There are rumours this contraption may evolve into a multiplex fishing rod holder for binary fishin’. Like many of his peers, he has little time for evidence-biased medicine, preferring an eminence-based model of corsality. This he insists is the proper conflation of cause and rough approximation.

The Ameritous Professor is a master of genomorphometry and an armchair authority on biocurtailment. Most of his clinic appointments are recorded as DNA.

A/Prof Broughton-D’Lirium’s official UCEM Council Executive Roles include:

• Chair of Infectious Diseases
• Full member of the Council of Utopian Microbiologists
  
• Cultural attaché for the UCEM