Defibritazer BP50KV

It is a situation you, as the UCEM Waiting Room trainee sees every day.

An 86 year old Gold Card holder on a pillow in the Imminent Collapse Unit is looking agitated and psychotic. She is riddled with track marks, and it is clear that she has just shot her last Compo cheque up her arm. She stares in paranoia at the 7 ft, 200 lbs East African HSA guard who is reading the latest Women’s Own weekly wordsearch. The patient slips a Werther’s Original into her mouth and reaches for her handbag with an intent to beat the HSA senselessly into submission.

At that moment, the cardiac monitor on her ICU Pillow goes into VT…

Why should you have to restrict your options to best manage this patient with physical restraint, chemical restraint, the stetho-stun or cardioversion? Now you can have your cake and eat it.

Introducing the all new Defibritazer BP-50KV

The one shot answer to electrical restraint and DC cardioversion. Drop the patient rendering them harmless in less than 0.47 seconds with the Police Grade, twin aeroflex gold tipped electrode ‘stingers’, with a range of up to 200 feet. Then defibrillate the victim out of excited delirium with a synchronized life saving biphasic 50,000 volt shock, and gift them the current of life.

Defibritazer

Defibritazer BP-50KV

7 Randomized Double Blind Controlled Trials can’t be wrong! Despite being banned in over 3 States the Defibritazer has been shown to effectively reduce violence towards hospital staff.

“…over 90% of patients are still completely lifeless 2 weeks post defibritazing”, reports a Coronial Inquest last week, “despite active thawing measures”.

The First UCEM Conference in Molvania will provide a 1 day workshop to cover:

  • Blindfolded weapon dissassembly and assembly in less than 20 seconds
  • Target practice at old people walking outside the lecture hall
  • Sniper and close combat engagement techniques
  • Avoiding collateral serial circuit electrocution when discharging your treatment in a busy Waiting Room
  • Rhythm strip recognition and guess-timation
  • Aeroflex gold tipped electrode stinger removal, wound debridement, washout and long term prophylactic antibiotic prophylaxis

Feminists across Australia, the US and the UK are advocating its availability in Football Stadiums across the world. “My husband really deserves it”, responds one wife, whose husband ran amok to the Superfinal for 3 days with his mates without telling her.

Semiautomatic (BP50KSA) and Automatic models (BP50KA) are expected to be rolled out later this year with pink and diamond studded ivory handles.

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Comments

    • Tor Ercleve says

      You are obviously not a Doctor, or an Engineer! However, your question does reveal a certain naive boyish charm, which shows a genuine interest in Physics. Perhaps one day when you get into upper sixth, you will be able to score well enough on the TEE to get into medical engineering at University?
      Whilst it would seem intuitive that a ‘Paediatric’ Defibritazer would be preferable in the use of paediatric patients, in fact the opposite is true. A little Physics to whet your appetite…
      Children have a HIGHER capacitance than adults and therefore require a LARGER field force applied by the stinger electrodes to generate the same physiological effect. This larger capacitance in children (versus adults) can be accounted by the following factors:
      A greater stinger electrode surface area relative to BSA (Body Surface Area)
      A smaller distance between stinger electrodes compared to height
      A larger percentage of dielectric permitivite TBW (Total Body Water) in children
      Because of this, the Defibritazer BP50K calculates age using the algorithm:
      Age = (Penetration in cm / circumference of thigh in cm) x 10
      As a result the BP50K’s internal circuitry compensates for age. Real voltages given range from 25,000 volts (biphasic) in the 75-100 age group, and up to 82,000 volts (biphasic) in those under 2 years old.
      Furthermore, in order to use the above algorithm we have had to make the electrodes extra sharp.

      If you give us the name of your School Headmaster and School address, we will make sure to add your Institution into our Charity Draw. You may be lucky enough to win our new wall mounted Automatic Sentinal Autofire Defibritazer BP50K. Good Luck Sunny-Jim!

  1. says

    Lyall,
    Egerton tells me that the demonstration is going to be a sell out -- he’s very pleased to have such a generous and clueless, sorry… fearless, volunteer.

    He looks forward to thanking you in person if you survive the Aeromolv flight to Molvania. But he looks forward to defibritazing the bejesus out of you even more…
    Regards,
    Chris

  2. Torferson_the_Brave says

    Dear Lyall,
    Thanks for expressing an interest in the Defibritazer BP50KV. We would like to meet you at the Conference and look forward to testing the product on your mixed feelings.
    Please see the recent article on the substitution of ECT with the Defibritazer BP50KV in the treatment of Mood Disorders and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder in the Molvanian Journal of Psychiatry: 2010; 21(3); 131-1452.

  3. James MacKenzie says

    Mike, next time you come down to Albany can you bring one for us to try out in the HDU.

    Cheers,

    James

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