The Utopian College of Emergency for Medicine has made an urgent press release:
Christmas will NOT be canceled!
Insiders have stated that it is nothing to do with the fact that members of the Council Executive were, in the absence of there actually being a Christmas, finding it hard to justify the Christmas leave they had already given themselves. No, it appears that the change of heart was instigated by the big man himself, Santa Claus.
For the past 36 hours, Santa Claus has been in tense negotiations with the Council Executive in an attempt to rescue Christmas. This comes on the back of the largest public health scandal involving Santa since he was accused of having been invented by Coca-Cola. Santa has been stung by recent vehement criticism claiming that he is a bad role model for children and should be considered a ‘public health pariah’.
In order to rescue Christmas, Santa Claus has made a number of pledges to improve the health of the public by serving as better role model:
- Santa Claus will no longer smoke a pipe or any other form of tobacco.
- After every 10 km Santa will give his reindeer a rest, and pull his sleigh all by himself for the next 1 km (unfortunately, some presents may arrive late).
- Santa will no longer appear in any marketing campaigns targeting children, particularly those involving junk food and soft drinks.
- Santa will no longer drink the copious cans of beer left for him on Christmas Eve. Instead, Santa will now have a share of the carrots left for his Reindeer. He also requests that beer no longer be left out, so that neither he nor his reindeer will be tempted to imbibe, and so that neither he nor they can be accused of drinking and driving.
- Santa will now wear a helmet and safety harness when driving his sleigh, on rooftops and when abseiling down chimneys.
- In the interests of stemming the spread of infectious diseases, children will no longer be able to physically touch Santa, sit on his lap, nor kiss him in shopping centers.
- Santa will undertake an UCEM-sanctioned diet and exercise regimen (details to be released early in the New Year) with the intention of making significant inroads into his considerable girth.
Following the negotiations, Egerton Y. Davis the Fourth, spokesperson for the Council Executive of UCEM, said:
“We are pleased that the negotiations with Santa Claus have gone well. His selfless pledges will go a long way to off-setting the enormous public health burden of horrible injuries and excessive over-indulgence that will occur as the inevitable sequelae of Christmas.”
Santa Claus offered only a brisk ” no comment” to the paparazzi as he squeezed into his sleigh. However some bystanders claim they heard angry mutterings about how far behind he was on wrapping presents, as well as what may well have been expletives, as his sleigh took off from Enlightenment Boulevard.
- Grills NJ, Halyday B. Santa Claus: A Public Health Pariah? BMJ 2009;339:b5261 [BMJ]