The Utopian College is pleased to announce that the ever so slightly controversial euthanasia thesis of Commander Harrison Biscuit III has been published in the illustrious Journal of Malpractice in Medicine in the prestigious Letters to the Coroner section.
As this our first Utopian publication, the Journal editors have allowed us to reproduce the article in full and provide a free article download
Prophylactic Euthanasia: a Public Health Initiative to Reduce the Future Burden of Disease
The ultimate transfer of responsibility over patients, and a final solution to morbidity.
AUTHORS: Harrison Biscuit1
1Discipline of Sociopathic Medicine, Centre for Community as a Culture Producer (CCCP).
Abstract
With age comes an increased risk of serious life threatening diseases. Many of these illnesses eventuate in fatality, and a great expenditure to sustain the lives of individuals living with chronic disease. With public health targets placing increased pressure on clinicians to reduce morbidity and mortality for several cancers, diabetes; other chronic diseases in concert with setting lower waiting times for patients and reducing funding for medical services one alternative stands out above all others. Medical trials of sodium cyanide show a 99% reduction in chronic disease mortality and morbidity, with an associated bureaucratically acceptable shift of death rates from expensive diseases to inexpensive poisoning (significant to 95% C.I.).
About Jarrad Hall
This doesn’t reduce mortality at all!
That’s the idea… but they didn’t die of cancer, or that other KPI, so cancer mortality is down…
Well, literature evidence shows 99.999999999% of people die, as far as we know. We believe the results are able to be extrapolated to people of any age, gender or nationality, in utero, or otherwise. This being said, I believe the potato famine, syphilis, and alcohol were introduced to Ireland to perform the function of prophylactic euthanasia.
I like to think of it more akin to the satirical attack against early Roman persecution of Christianity in Tertullian’s Apology [http://www.ccel.org/ccel/schaff/anf03.iv.iii.xxxii.html]
I think with some hard work and dedication, we can increase the efficacy to 99.5%, resulting in further marginal cost benefits.