Having recently glued my daughter’s head back on, managed my own partial UCL sprain without Xrays and having decided that 3 days is, in fact the ideal period of immobilisation for my ankle tenosynovitis, I’m wondering to myself are there any occupations worse at being patients than Emergency department staff….
So in a puerile bid to annoy and inflame thousands of people, here’s my list of the ten worst occupations to hold if you’re an Emergency patient. Please feel free to suggest your own.
- CHIROPRACTORS / OSTEOPATHS – Please don’t think of us as colleagues and no, your spine is not ‘malaligned’.
- NATUROPATHS – I’m sorry, I don’t care if you’ve been eating the Dalai Lama’s toenails and rubbing aloe vera there. Do you even care what I think might be the best treatment for you? Why did you even bother to come here?
- LAWYERS - Why would you even tell me that? Are you trying to make me more nervous?
- POLITICIANS – How come you never have to wait 7 hours to be seen by a third world assassin with your venereal disease?
- PROFESSIONAL SPORTSPEOPLE – OK, I know some billionaire Orthopaedic surgeon in Dubai fixed your ACL 2 weeks ago – but I really don’t want to talk to him right now on your mobile phone to get his ‘permission’ to treat your fulminant septic arthritis.
- ANYONE WITH A PhD – Probably best not to point out that you’re more of a ‘proper doctor’ than me. I’ll just smile, pretend to agree and think you’re a twat.
- FARMERS - What are you doing in an Emergency Department? You’re clearly about to die, I’m putting you in resus, even though you’ve presented with a ‘sore toe for 6 years’.
- REAL ESTATE AGENTS – How can I believe a word you say? I’m going to have to order a total body MRI, aren’t I?
- TEACHERS – Semi-educated part-time workers not used to not being in control. Just relax and let me do my job…
- EMERGENCY DEPARTMENT STAFF – Yes, I agree, your central crushing chest pain is probably just heartburn, I’d be delighted to give you a script for Nexium without doing any ancilliary testing. Why not steal some more codeine and temazepam from the drugs cupboard to help with the pain?
It'll be alright Doc....it's just a splinter
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About Peter Allely
I’m starting to see why there’s been so much trouble in Northern Ireland over the years…
You may feel temporarily comforted by doing a weekend locum In a small village emergency department, where the population has the unemployment rate of Belfast’s during the potato famine… But next week you’ll be back with us: osteopaths, homeopaths, psychopaths, chiropractitioners and lawyers. And did I forget to mention your lovely wife… The teacher. May God have mercy on your soul. Cold porridge for you my friend, and a week in the guest bedroom with the kids.
Bang on. And hilarious.
The last farmer I saw apologized the entire visit for ‘bothering us’ with his nearly amputated index finger.
He was embarrassed because when his brother had hacked off most of his quadricep in a chainsaw accident he hadn’t gone to emerg and had turned out ‘just fine’.
Great comment Roy!
Roy, I think it should read:
Veterinarian -- Seriously, relax, just because it’s Friday afternoon doesn’t mean I’m going to euthanize your Granny just because i want to get to the pub by 5pm and its quicker than actually figuring out what’s wrong with her…
OMG…this is hilarious!
I recently gave myself a UCL strain doing a closed reduction of all things. Teaches me to do it on a three week old fracture.