Professor Oliver Orvil Jeremiah Octavia Bristol made an important announcement to the Rapid Eradication of Anal Retentiveness special interest group at the Conference of Learned Erudition And Relaxation in Kingston, Jamaica today.
Experts from around the world have convened in Jamaica to contemplate the Rapid Eradication of Anal Retentiveness.
The enematic Prof said:
“UCEM’s Council Executive have rushed through funding approval for a momentous study that promises to yield a cure for the condition of anal retentiveness. The enormity of this disease is sadly neglected by the public health community. Indeed, even those afflicted with unbounded anal retentiveness are usually oblivious to the serious sequelae of their disorder. However, the countless millions around the world who have to live and work with the afflicted (those who have to put up with constant corrections of pronunciation and spelling, criticisms about washing the dirty dishes before glassware, and grocery lists organized so that everything can be collected in a single pass through the supermarket…), need not be reminded of the debilitating distress that this insidiously malign condition causes at both the individual and population levels.”
“I have devised a study that will test an astonishing hypothesis: that anal retentiveness in humans can be cured by stool transplantation. The potential therapeutic merits of fecal transplantation are undeniable. For instance, this promising procedure is already being used with great success for the home-based outpatient treatment of chronic relapsing Clostridium difficile infection refractory to other treatments. Indeed, early studies using animal models suggest that highly strung, captious and anally retentive mice can be cured of their disease by depositing the liquified stool of ‘chilled out’, laid back guinea pigs into their little mouse colons.”
“I have already devised the study protocol and recruitment is about to begin. Donors of the therapeutic material are being sought from hippy communes, back-packer hostels and Rastafarian churches on every continent, not to mention the beach-goers of the Carribean, Goa, Cottesloe and Ko Samui. Vegetarians will be ideal candidates as they are generally able to produce large volumes of the therapeutic material on demand, and their produce is highly regarded for its (re)laxative qualities.”
“The recipient arm of the trial should be easily filled with subjects recruited from the specialties and subspecialties of cardiac anesthesia, neonatatology, clinical pharmacology, oncology, interventional neuroradiology and intensive care. Potential recipients must pass the strict inclusion criteria, which consists of an affirmative answer to the following question: Do you worry about whether ‘anal retentive’ should have a hyphen?”
“Before I finish, I would like to allay fears that this revolutionary new treatment could spell the end for certain medical specialties, just as ADHD treatment has done for emergency medicine. Our toxicologists have developed an antidotal therapy that will allow treated individuals to self-administer suppositories of specially prepared samples of their own endogenously-produced anally retentive stool. By carefully controlling the timing of the administration of these suppositories, cured individuals will be able self-regulate their degree of anal retentiveness according to functional requirements — you might want to pop a few in as you enter the operating theatre, for instance.”
“Finally, if you would like to volunteer for either the donor or the recipient arm of this trial, please sign up here.”
Members of the Rapid Eradication of Anal Retentiveness special interest group were confident the new study would be a gushing success. (Photo by Bruno Henrique Baruta Barreto)
About Chris Nickson
This is awesome. I feel my sphincter relaxing just reading it. We’re working on a video that discusses stool transplant and this article came up during my “back”ground research. I’ll be happy to bring up the rear on this important subject!