All-Time Worst Non-Emergencies
A collection of our favourite ED ‘non-emergencies’ from the blog authors.
Please feel free to add your own.
23 year old male waited 4 hours to be seen on a busy Saturday afternoon.
Triage note states ‘Worried about his bowels’.
“How can I help you today’ I asked.
‘My farts have changed smell’
He had no other symptoms or signs.
After I’d swiftly sent him packing, I wished I’d given him a specimen jar so he could drop a sample of the gas in to his GP.
25 year old male referred up to ED by GP with lump on his head.
Girlfriend had discovered lump that morning.
Waited 3 hours to see GP who referred to ED for further investigation.
Waited 6 hours in ED before being seen.
Diagnosis: Occiput.
26 year-old female with the presenting complaint “period pain – due next week” and a request for a pre-emptive gynae referral.
20 year-old female with the presenting complaint “sore feet for one day.”
Diagnosis: New shoes bought yesterday.
36 year-old female with the presenting complaint “one breast larger than the other – had breast implants 6 days ago”.
Doctor thinking: “They look bloody identical to me…”
72 year-old male: “I’ve just come in for a check up. You lot did such a thorough job last time I thought I might as well come back.”
3 year-old boy referred by GP because his foreskin doesn’t retract.
Diagnosis: Normal!
18 year-old female who presented with a lump in her vagina. The lump was found by her boyfriend.
Diagnosis: Cervix.
7 year-old boy brought in by his mother because his legs had turned blue. A thorough history revealed the recent purchase of brand new blue bed sheets…
82 year-old male who self-referred as the STD clinic closed for the day. He was concerned he might have a sexually transmitted disease as he ‘was a naughty boy during the war’.
He hadn’t had sex for over 20 years.
Diagnosis: Intertrigo and wishful thinking.
43 year old male with 12 hour history of hiccoughs.
‘My brother is the head of surgery in a hospital in India and he said I needed a CT scan today as it might be cancer’
Advised he should tell someone who cares.
54 year old airline pilot attends after being caught chatting to an ex-girlfriend over the internet by his wife, demanding emergency antihypertensives because his home BP kit has persistently shown a systolic blood pressure of 170 since.
You may also like
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- ‘Things never to do in the ED if you want to be taken seriously’
- Joe Bell’s Lesson Revisited for another ‘interesting’ triage note
22 year old female came in with a mosqito bite and was pretty sure it was a dangerous one!!
Diagnosis: A normal bite
23 y/o male presenting 9am on 1st January.
‘Went to New year dance party, took lots of drugs and danced my arse off. Now I can’t sleep. Can you give me something?’
answer = no
Probably not on the all-time list – but the Saturday evening presentation of ‘blocked ear for 5 days’ always gets my goat.
Undisclosed New York Emergency Room: 68 year old male presents with gerbil up rectum.
What can I tell you… If it’s gonna happen it will happen in New York.
“23 year old male waited 4 hours to be seen on a busy Saturday afternoon. Triage note states ‘Worried about his bowels’. “How can I help you today’ I asked. ‘My farts have changed smell’ He had no other symptoms or signs. After I’d swiftly sent him packing, I wished I’d given him a specimen jar so he could drop a sample of the gas in to his GP.”
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Hmmm… I”m afraid you sent him packing a bit too soon. I, (no one) would have advised consult with Plastic Surgeon Dr. Chang from China.
Dr. Chang, who has an amazing bedside manner, simultaneously examines a patient’s face and butt. After exam, Dr. Chang looks straight into patient’s face and gives diagnosis:
I’m afraid it’s not good…..
You have Ed Zachary disease.
Yo face look eggzacry like yo ass.
A young lady with her 3mo baby comes to the ED on a very busy monday morning…
Compaint: baby is not defecating
So how long he is not defecating? She answered that on the last 4 days the baby had stools JUST on diapers. I asked about any other way a baby can defecate…
“He uses the toilet, with help” “all my family has used it since babies”, “but he is not using it on the last week”
Diagnosis: Normal Baby … 3 MONTHS OLD age
30 something year old male sent in by PCP from clinic “for lower GI bleed.” Pt gives hx of dark brown stool x1. Sits in waiting room five hours to be seen. “Did your PCP do a rectal exam?” “No.” So guess who did. And guess what the results were. Discharge!